Focus...

2004-04-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day:Why are you still coming here? You should rebookmark her new page! :smile:

2004-04-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Moved

Morgan can no longer be found here. Please redirect your links and bookmarks to http://rmfo-blogs.com/morgan/

2004-04-17T03:53:00.000-07:00

The last page...

I realized today that it was time to move on from Focus... A chapter of my life has closed, a chapter Focus... helped record. It is interesting to me that the chapter I feel has come to its end lasted almost exactly a year. Focus... wasn't around the entire time, but since July it's shown others what God is doing in and through my life. I've met many people, encouraged many people, upset some people and really helped myself in the long run through this blog. It's been a blessing and I'm very thankful I've had it.

I don't know exactly why I decided to make a physical symbol out of my life's change, but it might have something to do with the fact that blogger was annoying me this morning. I've had the other site, of which I will tell you about in a moment, for a week or so now, but had decided against moving to it. Something just clicked this morning and I decided to do so.

I feel like a recap of Focus... is something that one would do, but I don't think I will. I will put an end on this blog, and on this time of my life, with a few thanks and a few thoughts. Firstly, thank you to all who have read Focus... for the past nine months. Thank you for the comments and emails. There are many of you who have been an encouragement to me.
Thoughts? Well, I've learned a lot. Last spring God allowed me to go through some hard situations, all the while teaching me to focus on Him, no matter what happened. Focus really was my mantra all year long. Everything came down to focus and trust. Like the original full title said "...keeping it sharp and on God".

Ah...so melodramatic! Pretty much what I'm attempting to say is... The season of my life I was in is over. I'm leaving this blog. I've started another. Please relink and please join me over there for the beginning of this next part of my life, as I attempt to see the world through His eyes.

2004-04-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Verse of the day...

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.

Romans 5:1

2004-04-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

God is STILL faithful...

I just thought I'd mention that...

2004-04-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

i.can't.believe.i'm.doing.this

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

"Do we have the testimony of anyone who personally interacted with Jesus, who listened to His teachings, who saw His miracles, who witnessed His death, and who perhaps even encountered Him after His alleged resurrection?"

Case for Christ - Lee Strobel

2004-04-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

Choices...and commitment

Life is full of choices. The main one on my mind right now is happiness. Or rather joy. I will not always be happy. But I can always have joy. Joy is something I choose. Even when my emotions tell me otherwise, I can be joyful in every situation. And that, heh, makes me happy.

Another thing is the choice of commitment. When it comes to work and commitment, I'm almost a workaholic because of the time and unneeded energy I put into my job. It's hard for me to call in sick and I continue in what I'm doing no matter the benefit or lack thereof, just because of commitment. This has taught me perserverance in a way, as I've been in several job situations that I hated but stuck with because of commitment.

A negative aspect to this is I start expectations for people to do the same for me, even when uncalled for. This is my expectation issue coming up again, but I do know it's there, at least, so perhaps that's a step ahead of where I might be.

There's also the commitment of relationships. I think I'm safe in saying of myself that I'm a very loyal friend. I've stuck with some people through a lot of pain and hurt, while receiving nothing in return, because of my commitment to them. Because of this I have to be careful who I commit my friendship to and that I don't commit deep friendship lightly. One thing, though, is that I completely choose my commitments to relationships. If I've chosen to walk through something with someone it's not from pity, pressure or overspiritualization. It's from a decision and a mindset that I've decided to have. This is why I get frustrated when people wonder at my commitments to relationships. That feels almost like a slam on my judgement and wisdom. Commitment isn't always an emotion, though it can be spurred off of emotions. It is just a part of who I am choosing to make myself become.

Sometimes I commit to things or relationships that make it hard for me. I get hurt, ignored or extremely stretched. (This can be for anything, like a job, not only a relationship) But I believe I have a fairly good idea about the issues I need to know about in something before I commit to it. Of course there will always be new things that come up. At work I didn't realize the amount of work it would require of me to accept the new Lab Manager position. I knew there was more and a bit of what it would entail, but I didn't know exactly how much. I couldn't have known exactly how much. On the other hand I knew some of the benefits I would receive, but even there I didn't know how great they would be. The fact that I've received two pay raises since my promotion is more than I ever thought would happen. There are more things I could list that I didn't know about at first but that have benefitted me tremedously since I accepted that position.

The same goes for relationships. I can never know how hard a relationship will truly be when I first commit to it. I can have an idea, guaging from what I know of the person, but I'll never really know for sure. And then, on the other side, I can never really know how much I will be benefitted and blessed by a relationship unless I commit to it and stick it out. And I think more often than not, at least when I have the Lord at the center of my life and decisions, the blessings and benefits are SO much more than I would have ever thought, and way much more than the hard aspects that could come. I choose commitment to relationships basing my choice off what I know of the struggle that could come and the blessing that could come. I don't choose it lightly and I don't waver in my choice unless I'm shown very clearly to have been mistaken.

I just don't want people to question my judgement. I know they may, but that is hard for me. I guess I ask for trust in my choices by others. Maybe this is asking too much, maybe this shouldn't be asked at all. Hm...

That was a huge ramble, which started without a point, and perhaps (at least to all of you) ended without making a point. But it made one for me which, honestly sorry to say, is all I really care about right now.
g'night

2004-04-14T04:35:00.000-07:00

Sparkling...

I find that when a lot is happening in my life I tend to blog a lot more often. I just have this intense desire to write and write and write. The problem comes up when I don't have anything to write about. My posts become pointless or very vague (which in turn makes them very pointless to the reader). And yet this blog isn't totally for my readers, although I think a major part of this is for response to my thoughts, rather than only a avenue to spit out my thoughts.

It is interesting. At other times I've felt like the more I think the less I blog. Hm. Well, I know that to be true. Maybe it's just certain types of situations and learning that I blog more. My lessons currently would coincide with lessons I was learning last year when I was posting a lot. Those posts just seemed more profound. I continue to go back to them to see what God showed me. And THAT is the point of Focus... Huh, that just occurred to me. My second or third post stated that Focus... was a place to shout out what God was doing in my life. And now I can look back and be reminded. That is beautiful. :content sigh:

I am very happy right now. Happy in where I'm at. Happy about how I'm reacting to those around me. Happy about how those around me are reacting to me. I wonder now if happy is the right term. *runs to dictionary.com to use the thesaurus* (oooh! Nice words!) Ok, I proceed...

I'm happy, yes. But I'm also content and very satisfied. I'm peaceful. I feel overjoyed about so many parts of my life. (and my favorite, cause it's so perfect) My life is sparkling. I feel like I'm sparkling. I know my place in my situations currently is sparkling. And I'm anticipating a beautifully sparkling summer.... heh, why have that short of vision? I'm anticipating a beautifully sparkling life!

2004-04-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Sara
I am a grl. I like to play borbees. My two front teeth are in.

Man it's awesome to find old writings of mine :grin:

2004-04-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

:evil smirk:

2004-04-13T02:05:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to someone...

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...

CHORUS:
'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a burden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...

Watermark - More than you'll ever know

This song is so true...so true.

2004-04-13T02:01:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: "I have an asparagus growing in my garden. And by 'an' I mean one" - Mom

This Morgan girl sure knows what she's talkin about sometimes...

I was just going through some archives and I came across some amazing posts. Wow. I think I was slightly more profound last year, though I don't know why. I'm going through just as much but maybe I have more people to talk about it all with, unlike last year. Anyway, I found this post and it applied to me right now so much that I had to repost it...

"In the past couple days I've really been hit with amazement of Jesus' love for me. Lately I've been thinking about waiting for my husband and getting excited about the love story God will be writing with our lives, and the romance of Jesus' love really occured to me...
Every quality I would love in a man I can find in Jesus. And more... He loves me unconditionally, He's patient with me when I ignore Him, He doesn't mind listening to me rant and rave anytime I need to, He forgives my unfaith, my doubt and my inconsistency. And He loves me so much that He went through all of that pain and physical torment just so that I wouldn't have to go through eternal suffering... He actually died...just for me. The beauty of this just takes my breath away.
And He's in love with me. Me and all my faults... And He's looking forward to the time when He gets to come and take me away to His house...
It's just beautiful. Enough romance and true love to satisfy any romantic's heart. :)"

2004-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

Who am I?

hahah! I'm so happy! I'm God's daughter! I'm a vessal of God's glory. I'm predestined. I'm called by God. I'm justified. I'm glorified. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm strong in Him when I in myself am weak.

I'm amazed. And I'm worth so much. I'm worth Jesus' life. And no one can tell me otherwise.

2004-04-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't cried in a long time. I'm not crying now either, I just was noting that fact.

2004-04-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: Oh, I'm already there

Partnership...

I just heard about an amazing image of the partnership marriage requires last night while at Zoe. A couple who both wanted to get in shape this summer decided that the way they're going to keep eachother accountable to exercising is that if either one doesn't exercise one day they can't communicate at all the next day. My first thought when I heard that was about how unfair that was. If one did their job but the other didn't, the one that did what they were supposed to still gets 'punished'. But when I voiced my thought, I was told that it was looked on as a great preparation for partnership in their relationship. Marriage is that way. If one of the two doesn't do what they're supposed to do, it affects both parties. In a way, a image of 'the two become one'. I found this image of partnership and accountability beautiful. The actual subject, exercising, pales beside the actual image of partnership that is seen in this set up.

And if they really desire to communicate, I'll bet that I'll be seeing two really inshape people by the end of the summer when I move away from Zoe...haha

2004-04-12T01:43:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: Drawing on styrofoam cups is fun...

Come on, impact me...

Just like I did for music the other day, I'm now going to request lists of the top books I should read sometime. What books have impacted you? What books are ones that everyone needs to read? Let me know and I shall put them on my list of books. And just so everyone knows, my book reading list so far is:

How Now Shall We Live? -Charles Colson... I only have 4-6 chapters left
The Complete works of Francis Schaeffer ... reading this one currently
Jesus among other gods - Ravi Zacharias
Passion and Purity - Elizabeth Elliot
Quest for Love - Elizabeth Elliot
Authentic Beauty - Leslie Ludy
When Dreams Come True - Eric and Leslie Ludy
Every Young Man's Battle - Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey
Boy meets girl - Joshua Harris
Strategy - B.H. Liddell Hart

2004-04-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

You may ALL shut up now...

I am a GRAMMAR GOD!

AHAHHAHAHHAHA! Now, and only now, will I admit that when I first took this test, I received the Bastard result... Yes, sad but true. So I decided to take it again, with my brother standing beside me to make sure I didn't cheat. Which I didn't... HAHAHA! I'm a Grammar God! TAKE THAT STEVE AND DAVID! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I'm quite happy with myself... Quite shocked and utterly surprised...but quite happy. See? I'm not stupid (ok, no one respond to that last line, thanks)

2004-04-11T02:25:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: A beautiful mix of Cory and Jesse... What is God doing?
Days til I'm in Arkansas: 111

Good news. God even uses annoying people...

First off... MY LAB IS BACK UP AND RUNNING!!!!!!!!!!! *victory dance* YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! I can't tell you how happy I am. I danced out of the store today. It's SO nice.

After a week of having my lab down, my TSM, her boss and another guy telling us to do 10 different things each, draining the developer twice and the bleach once, and completely overhauling the entire negative processor, we finally made one more call. To a TSM of another district. I don't really like this lady at all, and never like to talk to her on the phone or anything. She told us to redrain the developer (AGAIN) and refill it to her directions. Kaylean, a lab/sales floater, did all the work while I printed. It took her an hour or so, at the end of the day (because we didn't call the lady till later), but when she finally ran a control strip and we did the plots, EVERYthing was back on track. ... WHY didn't we call her sooner...no wait, WHY didn't anyone in our district know that? Why didn't our TSM fix it? hmmm hmmm?

By the way, Deanna is AMAZING...even if I don't normally like her. THANK GOD FOR HER!

Anyway, it's fixed and I'm so happy. SO happy.

I have a few other thoughts, but they just got interrupted by an extremely thought provoking conversation I had with a friend. Now I have new thoughts going through my head and I can't sort out the previous thoughts from the new ones enough to write out anything coherant.

Stay tuned later for Morgan's thoughts on: Normalacy and the defintion thereof, mainly concerning birth control (*raises eyebrows*). Purity and faithfulness. Becoming a person you want to be. My thoughts on Francis Shaffer's thoughts. (and I know I spelled his last name wrong, but it's 2:30am and I can't remember and I don't really care all that much)

G'night beautiful people

2004-04-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: It's warmer in here
Days til I'm in Arkansas: 112

I want to send my negative machine to hell in a handbasket...

By the end of today my lab will have been down for a week. A full week. Seven days. Seven stinken days! I wasn't around on Sunday or Monday (days off) but even after I came in on Tuesday and we started working through the problems, nothing began getting fixed. Once it may have been my fault, contaminating the developer, but the further the week goes, the more I don't think so. We've drained the developer twice and the bleach once. As far as I'm concerned, someone's not doing their job right. CoughTSMcough. She's told us how to fix it over the phone, but the plots have been off for months. Finally her boss calls yesterday and totally "knows" how to fix it. I do everything he said and they're STILL off.

I've pretty much shut myself off to any emotions about work anymore. I just go there, plug along at whatever I'm doing and pretty much just have a great day. Yesterday was a good day. I enjoyed it, although I really would have rather been at home doing other things, but it was a good day. And yesterday my manager was upset, my DM was annoyed a lot, my TSM is really mad at me personally, my machine was down, I had upset customers and I was dead tired. I think one reason is the weather. I think another reason is a friendship or two in my life this past week. I think another reason is that I'm just plain 'whatever' at work anymore, cause I'm sick of worrying.

When I got home I was just sitting there, almost exactly how I'm doing now. No emotion, no reactions, nothin. I was chatting with a friend online and I wasn't even smiling. I went to take a shower and figured something was wrong so I started to pray. And within 30 minutes the scum and gunk had lifted from me and I was doing better. No surprise there, and yet it still amazes me when God is so ... cleansing like that. In fact, I'm figuring my lack of emotions right now is an indicator that I haven't prayed yet this morning, which would be true.

Don't you hate it when you have things you want to address to someone on the phone, but when you actually get onto the phone, either cause you're tired or just spacey, you forget, and then you remember the next morning? I hate that.

Well, I'm not pensive anymore, though when I'm tired (which I have been off and on this past couple weeks) I get more thoughtful than anything. I'm a more serious person and so I tend to go more serious when I'm uncertain or find it slightly harder to process mental information, rather than goofy and silly. That is just something about me and I find that I try to change it sometimes. I can't do that, because no matter how much 'funner' other personalities sound and no matter how much I feel people will bore of me, because I am who I am.

I think I react out of fear a lot. I wasn't really noticing this until I was pegged about it this past week. Normally I can get past it without it being noticed, but some people that are now in my life seem to bring it out. Not in a bad way, just that in our friendships my knee jerk reaction is based off fear. God showed me a couple days ago, though, that it's ok and He knows it's an issue and He's working on it with me. He and I can get through anything, so I'm not worried. We'll be ok :D

And that is where I end. Have a beautiful day.

2004-04-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: Everyone says that was fast. So I live my life fast... I don't think that was fast...ok, maybe it was. But a peaceful fast? Does that work?
Days til I'm in Arkansas:114

So many drafts...

Seriously I have a couple drafts that I tried to start in the past couple days but they never got finished. I wonder if this one will end up drafted or published...hm.

So, while attempting to pull together the past couple drafted posts, as well as some new thoughts, I may be rambling a bit. One thing I'm realizing lately is that I feel older. I looked at myself in my window the other night while I was AIMing or something (my computer set up is nestled in my bay window, so I could see my reflection at night) and I just suddenly felt 18. So, not really a big deal, but it was still... I'm an adult. The realization that however I've lived my childhood is already decided.
In the past week or so I've been dealing with a situation that has forced me to grow up I think. The questions and circumstances I'm dealing with are making me step back and simply see life through a new set of eyes. It suddenly hit me (yes, thing HIT me...never just occur to me...wait, maybe this one occurred to me...yeah, that's good)... It occurred to me that during this past week I was turning into a woman. Not there yet, by any means, but definitely on the road thereof. And that's an exciting thought to me.

Another thing that God has shown me in the past and is currently showing me is that I never can truly choose my friends. He decided a while back He wanted that job, and has been working hard ever since putting people in my life I would never have put there, and taking out people I thought I'd want. And yet when I look at it I realize how beautiful it really all is (oh, big surprise there!)
My biggest fear is loosing friends. I've completely lost friends in the past, and have learned how to cope with that. But how do I work when I don't loose the friendship, just the level of friendship I thought I had? That's a new bird for me and I'm attempting to figure that one out.

i Also think I use commas, way too much more than, a lot... and in the exact wrong, places.... (:grin: sorry Wilson and david...I just had to do that!)

Oh look! The sun! ...wow, that's beautiful. While sitting here, looking due west out of my bay window, I'm confronted by a deep grey wall of clouds far beyond the freshly green spring trees. Just now, from my window that is on the north wall, some sunlight started coming through and falling onto my computer desk. Everything out my bay window is lit up by the sun now, in stark contrast to the dark sky behind it all. This is a classic Washington spring day.

I shall miss my bay window in Arkansas.

2004-04-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Random Thought for the Day: They say you never really know someone until you've talked with them for 1000 hours... I wonder if I kept track if that would be true.

Willing...

I am willing to take a chance.
I am willing to fall blindly into the arms of Jesus and let Him guide me completely.
I am willing to find out if I can handle what may come if I do the above mentioned.
I am willing to be hurt to see a heart.
I am willing to be wrong if it means I find the truth.
I am willing to take a chance.

2004-04-04T05:11:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts. So many blog posts. I just can't get them out... ah well. I shan't try.

I'm going to go read my Bible, talk to God and then pass out.

2004-04-02T03:39:00.000-08:00

Man, people really hate me...yikes...

2004-04-02T01:17:00.000-08:00

I am alive and well...don't freak at the lower post...thank you

And to those that were truly bothered, I'm sorry that you were. so yeah

2004-04-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

This is Julie, Morgan's mom. I know Morgan has a lot of friends online and I wasn't sure who she was in contact with. So I hope you all find this here.

Morgan's car was broadsided this morning on her way to work. A truck ran a red light and crushed the driver's door completely in. She is currently in the ER at the local hospital. Your prayers for her and our family would be appreciated. I will update later

2004-03-31T18:27:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: How can anyone have a better, sweeter or more wonderful exfiancee than me?

2004-03-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: God, You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed. Help me know You are near.

Ok my dear readers! I need your help!

I am determined to have The Most Amazing and Versatile Music Collection (TMAVMC) when I go off to college and y'all are going to help me with that. There are a couple options for you on how you can help this great cause.

1) Give me the titles of the top 10 CDs that I must have in TMAVMC.
2) Give me the titles of the top songs that I must have somewhere in the TMAVMC.
3) Go ahead and make me a compilation CD to add to the TMAVMC.
4) Or you can just burn a full copy of any CD I must have in the TMAVMC.

Please post titles and songs in my comment box. If you seriously do have compilations (I wouldn't put it past some of you) go ahead and email me for somewhere to send them :grin:

2004-03-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

Through others hands do I find my words...

I'm watching my kingdom tumbling down. You're flooding my refuge underground. My kingdom for angels, mighty surround. To take me away from here.*

Taken back by love and kindness now. Pushing forward with all I have inside. Coming to you, just like a child. While your love and mercy tear away my pride.
Well, I can't quite grasp the reason why you give these things to me, so I just believe in things that I can't see. And I run this race that's set before me. And I'll run through the darkness cause now I can see.

The pace is set now. The race is underway. No use in looking back now just living for today. Can't help but wonder just what I have in store. I deserve nothing yet You give me so much more.**

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land, raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command. But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand, are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand. In the middle of the battle I beleive I've finally found, I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down all my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war. So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours.

I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams, though the price to follow costs me everything. I surrender all my human soul desires. If sacrafice requirest hat all my kingdoms fall I surrender all. If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain, if I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain, if the focus of my vision is the status I attain...my accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain. So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown, and should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down, I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace. I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise. Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known, now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own. Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacraficial fire if all I have is all that You desire, I surrender all. ***

And then God said to me:
I know there are times your dreams turn to dust. You wonder as you cry why it has to hurt so much. Give Me all your sadness, someday you will know the reason why. With a child-like heart simply put your hope in Me. Take My hand and walk where I lead, keep your eyes on Me alone. Don't you say why were the old days better just because you're scard of the unknown. Don't live in the past, cause yesterday's gone. Wishing memories would last, you're afraid to carry on. You don't know what's comin', but you know the one who holds tomorrow. I will be your guide, take you through the night if you keep your eyes on Me. ****

*Caedmon's Call-The Kingdom-Chorus
**Mayor Dave and the Shorter Ones-See
***Clay Crosse-I Surrender
****The Kry-Take My Hand

2004-03-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: Amazing love...that my King would die for me. Amazing love...how can it be?

2004-03-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sing Along #2

Suuuun--ny days....chasing the clooooouds away

2004-03-20T05:39:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:there's alot of random thoughts.. but I can't catch any of them

sing along post:
Twinkle, twinkle little star....

2004-03-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm single once again...

For those of you who didn't know, I was engaged Monday 15th, at 12:04am... I finally accepted, this being the third proposal, and thought I was one of the happiest young women on the planet. Steve and I were a very happy couple and quite excited about...being engaged. Well, after this wonderful week I had to tell him last night that I must call off the engagement. There is pain, but no regrets, and I'm happy to tell everyone that he and I will be able to continue being friends.

*ahem* That really did happen. But, yes, that was a mock engagement. It was all a joke, in a weird serious way, that has been going on since last November. I did "call it off" last night, though, because of some things that happened this week since we were "engaged". Even though I threw a few people off kilter, I really saw some amazing and wonderful things. I have a strong support system, even stronger than I thought before this week. I have close friends that are not going to let me fly into a serious decision that could change my entire life without making sure I'm ok and being wise about it. I have friends that will tell me bluntly that I am being rash and that I need to reexamine my life. Not that Steve was the problem, but because no one knew who he was or what was going on. How awesome is that? My friends are going to be keeping an eye on me, being honest with me and making sure I'm on track. Now that puts a smile on my face. Even though this was a joke, I did learn that my accountability and support is strong and intact.

I would also like to apologize to a few people. To those who freaked out from thinking it was real. To those who knew it wasn't real but were still bugged. To those who were hurt by it. To those who were upset about it. You know who you are. And all of those that I am apologizing to... I love you and never wanted to do that to any of you. Thank you to all of you for being honest and being my nearest and dearest friends, because you are.

And so, I'm single once again. How 'bout that?

2004-03-15T01:47:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: OMGOMGOGMOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

AHAHAHAHA GESS WAT

IVE LIEK hAX00RED mORGANZ AKWONT 2!!!!

Shtuff,
Teh Cory

2004-03-12T23:08:00.000-08:00

Just to clarify...

I am a Christian

2004-03-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

God is good :grin:

During the past year and a half I have gone through the deepest pain, the truest love, the most empty feelings, the greatest need to trust God and the most fulfilling knowledge of God's love for me... All because of one young man from just south of San Paulo. (Well, really about 10 hours, but who's counting?)

I met Caleb 2 years ago to the week, on an online homeschooling forum. We connected right away and though over that spring and summer we became good friends, we really became close during that fall after he had gone to college. I immediately saw his heart for God, his focus and childlike faith. He had a wonderful energy in the way he pursued his friends and his life.

At the beginning of the next year I was able to get to know his more goofy and day to day self. I continued to see his heart for God but was soon able to see his unique sense of humor. Now not only did I respect him but he could completely make me laugh at any point I may have been in in life.

I wasn't long before I wasn't able to keep impartial about him. I started struggling with giving him and our friendship over to God.

About that time Caleb started going through some rough times in his life, spiritually as well as emotionally. This began affecting me as well as our friendship. To sum up the following few months, I lost his friendship and was thrown into a hard fight for my walk with God. The pain I felt was something I don't think I can convey in words. Meanwhile God taught me trust in Him to a degree I could never have dreamed I could get to. And even beyond that, during the pain I was able to minister to so many more because of what I was going through than I would have ever if I hadn't experienced everything I did.

God continued to show me His faithfulness as well though. During a time that I felt pushed away by someone I loved, God continued to pull me close. Through His prompting, I believe, I continued to attempt to encourage and support Caleb as best as I could. Through God's grace I was able to continue my side of the friendship, and I continued to see glimpses of the young man I knew from before. Because of these glimpses, and a true concern for my friend, I got to a place that I can say I truly fell in love with him. I prayed and thought long and hard, and was very seriously ready to follow him back down to Brasil.

All relationship experts say the infatuation of a relationship ends, at the most, within two years. God began ending mine and allowing me to see Caleb for who he really was, very human and very much in need of God's grace. And yet I could do nothing but love him. Finally, when it felt like I was supposed to step out of the friendship, I tried to work through my feelings and do so. During this time I was able to travel out of state and finally meet this person who had impacted my life so much. During that trip I went through several emotions, and ended up believing I was through with my feelings, and potentially the friendship.

During this past winter and into this next year I began to see a recovery. I began to see the young man I'd known before coming back, and yet this time more steadied and true because of his trial. I continued to believe I was emotionally through, although I hoped a shallow friendship could be salvaged.

In January, through a very open and honest conversation, I found that he felt God said no on a relationship for now, and that I still was very emotionally attached to him. I went through a few more times of sitting in the car before work silently crying and a few more bouts of kicking the wall because of this. But God in His beautiful faithfulness started calming me. Started healing me.

About a month after our conversation, there was a moment God told me very directly Caleb would not be my sweet mister. I have only felt such peace one other time in my life. During the following few weeks God confirmed numerous times that what I had heard was correct. I still felt slightly off kilter about the entire idea, and didn't quite know what to do. I could tell that, although he was still working through things (as one truly walking with God will always be), he was back on his feet and on track as a solid young man of God. A man I could respect, look up to and admire.

During this working out time between God and I, our friendship began returning. There was much more contact and I was able to talk to him again on a more frequent basis. I knew what God had said, and yet there was always something sitting there. A peace settled me and though I didn't realize it, God started truly pulling my feelings away from him, but instead of erasing them, He began replacing them.

A couple days ago he and I were talking again. The subject of dating and relationships came up and I decided to let him know what God had told me. The following conversation was the most joyful and blessed of my life. The words themselves would not even show the emotion and integrity that was behind every word. God showed us that He has confirmed to each of us on our own that we are not for eachother in any romantic sense. And we have both decided to follow God on this point and let Him lead our lives.

This I could take. Total peace, that I had been feeling parts of during the past month or so, flooded my body. I couldn't stop grinning until well into the next day. It was right and it was exactly what God had been preparing us both for.

But the best part was that suddenly I had a big brother. I have always wanted an older brother and now I can truly say I have one. One that I know will look after me, will protect me, will cheer for me, will be honest with me, will love me, will hold me, will push me to do more, will keep me in prayer and will continually point me towards God as best as he can. And I know our bond is strong because it has come through pain and heartache and silence and God still took it up and held it in His hand. I don't know why God has chosen to bless me with what He has. I can now boast of three amazing brothers (I'm sure Tyler will be, but he needs to grow up a bit yet :smile:) that are walking with God.

And now I can look back on the last 1 1/2 years of pain, sorrow and truly see the full circle. It wasn't to just teach me faith, trust and dependence on God, although I will hold those as the greatest lessons I have learned thus far in my life, but it has brought me a brother! And God has pushed my emotional attachment to him into its proper place, something I could never have done and yet am so thankful for.

And so, I would like to publically thank God for all of my brothers, but most specifically my eldest. And thank you Caleb for being there and becoming a true brother.

2004-03-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

KLOVE Verse for the Day: Put me on trial, Lord, and cross-examine me Test my motives and affections - Psalm 26:2

....fine then!....

I shall post...

My birthday made it quickly to one of the top three days of my life and stayed there until I crashed into bed that night. The night before I had gone to bed at 9pm, which is very early for me, so my body woke me up at 5:15am.... I went to get a drink of water and while I was up I figured I'd post that I was18. And then I saw some emails with Happy Birthdays! so of course I had to look at those, and then I noticed a friend had PMed me on a forum I'm a part of, so of course I had to look at that. Then once I was on that forum, I saw there was a Happy Birthday Morgan! thread, so of course I started posting and looking around.

So I was online for quite awhile. A friend and I got into a wonderful PM conversation that put a smile on my face right away. Then all the fun messages and ecards just absolutely started me out on the right foot. I had wanted to, since it was so early, get out one of my dad's 30' tall ladders and climb onto the roof to watch the sunrise, but it was overcast and raining. So much for that wonderful idea. My friend called and sang me happy birthday then, which was fun.

Then my family woke up and started breakfast for me. We all ate and laughed and joked and had a beautiful time. I sat down in the front room to open gifts from them and take pictures and watch the DVD that came with my Return of the King soundtrack.

Then after rushing to get ready at the very last second I ran out the door for work. There was traffic up to the bridge, so I called mom and we just talked for the hour+ it took me to get to work that morning. Once I got to work I found out we were already having chemical problems which I, now that I was 18, had to deal with. That was interesting, and a bit scary as I was paranoid I was going to mix something wrong.

During that morning I received 4 phone calls from friends. That was so wonderful. Thank you guys!

Then my parents showed up with 18 balloons and took me out to lunch at Red Robin. We had a nice time and I got a free sundae cause it was my birthday.

When I walked back into work, I was told immediately that 3 more people had called. Then I saw some flowers on the counter that had been delivered while I was gone. They were beautiful.

During that afternoon I recieved 4 more phone calls at work, and all the customers that saw the flowers inquired and then wished me a happy birthday. No one could ruin my day, not even the two salemen that showed up and were corny and chessy for 30 minutes of my day...and who I actually bought some coupons for Pizza Hut from...

On my way home I stopped by 7-11 and bought a Marlboro Lights...for my coworker of course!

When I got home my dad had 18 red roses in my room for me and dinner was hot and waiting. We all talked and laughed again and had a wonderful time. Then my mom got me online and had a group of friends on a chatroom to have a "online birthday party" for me. That was fun too. And a friend called during that and we had a really nice conversation.

Then at 11pm, a good 18 hours after I woke up, I fell into bed and was out in seconds...

What a wonderful birthday. I'd like to thank everyone that helped make it beautiful. If I forget someone, please say so...I just don't think I could have missed ANYone......

Andrew, Anna, Baby!, becca, Boy of Destiny, Brian, caleb, Carley, Chalee, Charlie, Charlie B, Cory, Dad, david, Debbie G, Debbie R, Eric, Eric, Gary, Geof, God, Gord, Gramma, GravyBoy, Halley, Hannah, Hannah M, Hugh, Jesse, Jonesie, Joshua, Katey, Kayci, Kris, Laura, Lydia, Mark, Matt, Mike, Mom, Monica, Nida, Papa & Nana, Rachel, Rebecca, Rhonda, Royann, Rumorsage, Ruthann, Sara, Sarah, SC, Shem, Sunny, Susan, Tara, Theophilus, Tom, Tyler, Wilson

and everyone in New Zealand

2004-03-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

KLOVE Verse for the Day: He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. Isaiah 40:11

So...

I'm 18

2004-03-01T23:21:00.000-08:00

Psalm 51
God gave me this passage today. It was so perfect. And then I found it on another blog with thoughts. I think God wants me to focus on this one right now :D

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

3For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight--
That You may be found just when You speak,[1]
And blameless when You judge.

5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

14Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise.

18Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

2004-03-01T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sedona Studios sneak peek

Sedona Studios

My beautiful campus

2004-03-01T11:02:00.000-08:00

When God says no...

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Once again I am reminded of something God has denied me. Something I have so greatly desired, have longed for and have strove to grasp for so long. Once again my eyes won't stay dry. And yet, more and more, I find that I'm at peace with God's choice, His direction. He's shown me so many times so clearly that He really has another plan for my life and I'm ok with that. There is just the pain in my heart.

So I sit here with tears streaming down my face, but also with a soft, contented smile. I may be giving up my desires, but God's faithfulness is too beautiful for me to turn away. I know He loves me. So much. I may not be able to see the fruition of this desire, but I have no doubts that what God will replace the end product of my desire tih will be so much more wonderful and perfect for my life, as well as a more able key in molding me into being like Christ. And that is my true desire.

So, goodbye to my own desires and hello to God's. These are not the last tears I will cry through this pain, but His hand is holding mine. :sigh: So beautiful.

2004-03-01T01:36:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: I should play piano more often. I'm actually quite good

The Nails...
The song that I just started singing the morning after watching The Passion of the Christ Wednesday night

The nails in your hands
The nail in your feet,
they tell me how much you love me
The thorns in your brow,
they tell me how, you bore so much pain to love me.

And when the heavens pass away,
all your scars will still remain,
and forever they will say,
how much you love me.
Forever my love, Forever my heart
Forever my life, it's yours, it's yours.

Been-around-forever worship song. Also sung by Mercy Me

2004-03-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

Just in case...

My birthday is this Wednesday. As in two days. As in the 3rd. As in I'll be 18.

So, just in case you were wondering how in the world you could get ahold of me, get something to me, etc (as I'll be at work most of the day) please contact my mom (isaiah_fortythree@hotmail.com) and she'll get you the proper information.

A huge bouquet of flowers at work doesn't sound too bad either... So if you were thinking along those lines, mom also has the address, and I'm sure Flowerstogo.com (or wherever) would be able to help you out there.

2004-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

ok...dealing with some major hate right now... could use a lot of prayer... have to get over this and then deal with the person

hrmph to having to be the mature christian in the scenario

2004-02-26T01:26:00.000-08:00

*yawn*

2004-02-23T02:31:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: "You can't escape God. He hunts you down" paraphrased from david

Follow Up...

I'm ok now, for now, about the previous post. It seemed to end on a semi-sour note, like I didn't want to do what I was doing or be who I am. When I wrote it, I didn't, but God has brought me back down to where I need to be, and I'm ok now. I'm ready to go conquer the world again. And yet, not so much on my own. I think I'll die if I have to do anything by myself. I've gotten to a point that I realize the majority of things in my life can not be done by me. Only through God through me... wow, it's awesome...

And so, for that awesomeness, I shall continue on wholeheartedly...

2004-02-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: Just say hi, ok?

A post you'd never think you'd read...

As I travel through the blogworld, and even most of my life, a recurring theme at times seems to be that people want to be doing more. They feel lazy, not worthy, unable, worthless and pretty much below par. They write these blog posts that show someone wanting more, wanting to achieve, but not thinking they will ever be in that position. They want to be in a position to conquer the world. They hate being low on the totem pole, in a way, and seeing others achieve all around them. Then more people come into their comment box and agree left and right....

Well, have you ever heard someone say they don't want to achieve? That they're sick and tired of being awesome? That they would just love to be the minion in the corner while someone else did all the achieving? And how beautiful would it be to just sit there like all these other people say they are doing, not worried about anything else at all.

So, now I've said it. Happy Birthday. You can now say you've heard someone say that...

And yet, here I go on, charging ahead. I can't get out of where I am, and in the past hour or so God's been telling me that I can do whatever I'm supposed to do, no sweat, if I stay focused on Him. So onward... :sigh: I guess somebody's got to do it... But why me? Ah well. On I go...

2004-02-19T00:24:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:The movie Gladiator is full of three things: blood, sweat and half naked buff men. You decide if it's worth watching off of those aspects.

...

Friendships are interesting things. The way I react in them is even more interesting. In some friendships I am the one who changes, changing the friendship along with me. In others I stay constant and the other person involved changes, changing my response over time. Both situations end in a faded friendship. The former is easier for me to understand, although harder for me to accept. If someone else changes the way they approach life or me and that causes the friendship to fall apart, I understand how it works, but accepting what I have no control over is extremely difficult. A friendship can be in place, newly formed, with hope of a strong stable life, and then within weeks, it seems, both of us are cutting at eachother, perhaps in jest to the naked eye, but cutting nonetheless. I have had friendships like this. Neither builds the other, neither really cares. Where I started as a constant friend throughout, I end up as apathetic as they appear to be. I don't even care enough to defend against their attacks.

And then you have the friendship in which I change. Perhaps not change for worse, but change still moves a friendship's base, and with enough change a friendship does not have its original base to stand on. I have had friendships where I've grown up, learned new things, moved my standards and through that, conscious or not, I have left friendships behind me. I regret some, although I do not see how it can be helped. Others I don't even recall until brought in front of my face, with me attempting to show concern although I don't.

I guess I could say the ideal friendship would be one where neither changed, or at least not in a way that split the friendship at all. The two would always be there for eachother, mutually listen and encourage eachother and defend and support one another. But I do not believe I will ever experience a friendship like this, nor do I hope for one. This would not be my ideal.

My ideal is a friendship wherein both parties do change. Maybe even at times drastically. And perhaps the friendship does break and snap at times, but the two stay steady to their concern and care for one another. Accepting, forgiving, repenting and still continuing to love. That is my ideal, and I can say that I have such friendships. These are the friendships that I know I will have forever. I know because they have already lasted me so long. And I know that no matter what happens with the others, the ones I may desire to keep but cannot, I will always have the support and love of the few that I have broken and have broken me. I know that I will most likely not keep most of the friends I have now. It may seem that I loose more than I gain at times. And yet these few beautiful gifts from God, along with the bluntness and honesty and trust, come with a guarantee of devotion. And I thank God for that.

2004-02-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:Yes, quite random...

If only to change this slightly...

On Wednesday my manager was switched with another from West Seattle. On Thursday, my day off, my new manager was fired for stealing. On Friday I was given a new manager. And so here I am, two managers later, planning on having the top lab at least once before I leave. I went to a Lab Managers meeting Friday morning, which was great, and I'm revamping my lab. It's going to be awesome... I'm excited.

And my district manager wants me to move to level 4 (Key Tech) by my 18th, except with chemicals. Then I'll sign off on chemical stuff on or right after my birthday, and get promoted and get a raise... Quite nice...

And I found out that I was given a dollar raise instead of .50 when I was transferred last month... Quite nice...

The past couple days have been hard for me, cause I don't adjust well to change. The thing that gets me through is logically I know I'll be ok in a week or so, so I'm fine....

Well, g'night everyone. Here's to Valentine's Day without a single valentine! :grin:

2004-02-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

ok ok...

Mom doesn't like the "bubbles" (they're NOT bubbles)...and I have the thought of snot whenever I see my page... This is going, but not now as I'm headed to Seattle.

And it looked so good at 3:30am... :sigh:

EDIT Wow, that was sure a conversation initiator. As you can see we're back to the brown. I was sick of the green thing I had going, and I attempted to do another idea I had tonight, but couldn't make it fly the way I was trying. Maybe I'll play with it later. Maybe not.

2004-02-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

Kinda different. Yes. Totally Original. No. Completely Handmade. Yes.

Here's a new look. Who knows how long it will stay. Heh. I'll probably end up back with the browns in a day or two, but a little change won't hurt anything. The circles may get annoying for one. And the links seem to be seperating themselves in their own little way that I'm not sure of. Also the first post is a bigger font than the rest. Ah well. I'll be getting Moveable Type soon, so whatever on this. Frontpage stinks. :grin: Oh well... Life goes on

2004-02-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: "Money won't make you extremely happy" - "No, but it never made me extremely depressed either" ---- How to Marry a Millionaire

Christians are offensive

While at work today I was popping around on the radio trying to find a nice station, as I was tired of listening to alternative. I ran past the Christian station and just wanted to listen to some nice praising God stuff. I figured I'd ask Lindsey, who I was working with, if she minded before playing it. I asked her if she wouldn't mind me playing the Christian station for a while. She said no, at first, and I left it there and smiled, responding that Tara (another coworker) never let me play it while she was there. Then Lindsey stood up and said that maybe I'd better not, because she really wasn't comfortable with it, plus it could offend a lot of customers. Then she added that it'd be like her playing music that said "I love Satan. I love Satan!" and offending me. So I turned it off. Later in the day she brought it up while we were discussing music again in a way that sounded like she was a little iffy about telling me that, and not wanting to offend me, etc.

A few thoughts: Number one, if she were to play a song like that, I wouldn't be offended. I would be sad, yes. I would pray for her, yes. But be offended? No. Firstly, I know that God's bigger, and I've never struggled with spiritual attacks really. I have to go through them at times, but it's not a falling point for me, so far in life. In fact, I'd be more likely to be offended with some of the other stuff they listen to that is full of swearing, drug use and sex. I don't make an issue out of anything, and play my own music whenever possible.
Thought two is that she mentioned that a lot of customers would be offended. At first I agree and think I should turn it down. And then I really think through it and realize that for a majority of our customers the alternative music we play most of the time is more offensive than anything else. My coworkers do turn the music down or off if it gets really "bad", but still, it's rough music. Sure some customers may hear the words God or Jesus and think that one of the employees were Christians (which would be true) and maybe want to get out of the store faster than they might, but offended? I think not. No, the only one that would be offended would be my coworkers, who would be listening to it more constantly.
And you can never not offend someone by music, if you look at it that way. There are some people who only listen to classical, so our music would offend them anyway. It's just crazy. But satan's got the world thinking Christianity is offensive. And so I must live in this world.

Another thought that came to me is whether I'm being a good witness or not. They all know I'm a Christian by now and now that I know they all know, I'm much more open about it. I don't care if they know that I'm praying and/or reading my Bible and listening to praise and worship. That's what my life is revolving around and they can deal with it. For some jokes, etc they will leave the room or go away from me, which is nice. But I never make a point of saying they offend me or I hate their language, etc.
So I was wondering if that's a bad witness. Should I be saying something, pointing out what they're doing that I don't agree with? I don't think so. They know that I'm different. They've seen that and pointed it out. They all know that I don't swear, since the most offensive exclamation I make is "oh my sweet word". They all know I don't drink or smoke anything, merely from my ignorance of the matter. And they all know I'm a virgin. They see my concern for them and my acceptence of them wherever they're at. I don't slam them. I don't condemn what they're doing. I do tell them I'm praying for them when they're going through a rough time, and I continue to do what I know I should do. What I hope is that they see the peace I have and the contentment and joy I have and desire that. That's what I want.

So Christians are "offensive". Doesn't surprise me. But I hope that I, as a Christian, am not. I desire to be someone others completely want near them, whether they agree with me or not. That's what I want.

2004-02-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

It is amazing what talking to a mom for 20 minutes can do for a person. Maybe just admitting stuff to her, telling her stuff. A complete physical weight lifted off me. I'll be talking to God on the way to work too... So nice to have someone to talk to, isn't it?

2004-02-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

If everyone could keep me in prayer, I've got some stuff I've got to get a handle on in my life. I don't want replays of past mistakes, and if I see them coming, I think dowsing them with prayer is a good plan.

Thanks

2004-02-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: "the quickest way to a women's heart is with a knife" - Hugh

2004-02-03T02:27:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: I.D.S.!!! Sarah, that was just for you... Ahem...that great signature quote...ahem...shortened... HAHA! You're awesome.

One of the best conversations ever...

You know you've found a friend when you can have not talked in awhile, and then be goofy, talk about deep theological issues and girly/marriage stuff all in the same conversation. I have to say that I haven't laughed this hard or thought this deeply in a fair amount of time. This was a wonderful conversation. Thank you Sarah.

Alrighty, predestination vs. free will. Does there really have to be a "vs"? Can't the two work together, or do they push eachother out when thought through logically? Does the Bible only fully support the reformed view? Is there no place for man's free will? And where in the world, (dear Sarah), does TIME fit into all of this? Is God outside of time? Is time created? Is every event always occuring as far as God's concerned?

I'm not sure that I want these answered now. And I do realize this isn't a complete thought, or even post. It's not meant to be at all. I'm just jotting down notes. I'm also not saying that I don't feel I have answers to these questions. The phrasing of my answers is what's getting me. I shall adjourn to do some investigating and thinking and praying and get back to you all, hopefully, soon.

...

And just because I must, a few YAYS!

..YAY for the 30 minutes after the ceremony
..YAY for the opperative phrase involved therein
..YAY for that lotion which sparked the whole conversation
..YAY for the condition the lotion was applied thereon
..YAY for being a girl

(heh.....don't you just love inside jokes ;)

2004-02-03T01:42:00.000-08:00

I rarely post these, but this was fun...and it's late

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile.
Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away
I let mine out, and chatter all the while.

I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day
Is any day that's spent without a friend,
With nothing much to do or hear or say.

I like to be with people, and depend
On company for being entertained;
Which seems a good solution, in the end.

"And if you're not terza rima, you're:"

I am, of course, none other than blank verse.
I don't know where I'm going, yes, quite right;
And when I get there (if I ever do)
I might not recognise it. So? Your point?
Why should I have a destination set?
I'm relatively happy as I am,
And wouldn't want to be forever aimed
Towards some future path or special goal.
It's not to do with laziness, as such.
It's just that one the whole I'd rather not
Be bothered - so I drift contentedly;
An underrated way of life, I find.

What Poetry Form Are You?

ANNND...

I taste like Peanut Butter.

I am one of the most blendable flavours; I go with sweet, I go with sour, I go with bland, I go with anything. I am practical and good company, but have something of a tendency to hang around when I'm not wanted, unaware that my presence is not welcome.

"And if you are not Peanut Butter you are:"

I taste like Beef.

I taste like beef. I'm probably made of beef. You are what you eat, they say, and if the title didn't mean something else, I would be a beefeater. I think red meat is good for you. Puts hair on your chest. What Flavour Are You?

Uh...where'd THAT come from?

HAHA! This one's funny!

I am a Ten-gallon Hat.

I'm rich! I probably trade millions of stocks or own oil wells or something. I wish.

"And if you're not a Ten Gallon Hat, you're a:"

I am a Translucent Visor.

I am something of a gambler, but generally a wise one - I only gamble if I expect to win. A negative aspect of this is that people tend to shy away from playing with me. What Sort of Hat Are You?

2004-02-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: "i love anonymity, but i love being noticed" - anonymously david, but really from derek webb

What an amazing half of a year...

I just read my entire blog from its beginning on July 13th, 2003. I skipped the song lyrics, and a couple select posts I didn't care to read, but other than that I read the entire thing. That was really awesome to do, and very eyeopening. I was reminded of things God's shown me, which is always good. And man, did I use to do some awesome writing. I was quite profound at times, I think. I don't see that anymore, but who knows, really. I just really had some very good insightful things to say last summer. And my writing style was nice. I wonder what happened :grin:

The other thing is I find myself completely hilarious. Perhaps I'm pathetic, but I don't really care. :grin: Laughing at oneself is a gift, I think, and I have been gifted abundantly... :P

So that was nice. If you have a blog, I would suggest rereading it all. It's fun, informational, and just good to do. I also want to read the entirety of other people's blogs now... That'd take quite a bit of time though...

2004-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: Did you know the first pair of numbers after your middle initial in your drivers license number is how old you were in 2000. I don't know what they'll do for people who were born after 2000.

...May I please quote myself?...

I was going through my archives when I came upon this post. Quite interesting, because I could pretty much post it now as a present post... Hm. Is my life just not progressing at all? :grin:

"At the moment I'm really struggling with this issue I need to give to God, so I'm going to just try to focus on God. Do you know how hard that is sometimes? Hmmm... I just remembered I didn't read my Bible this morning. That could be part of the problem...

Honesty now. I feel like I'm completely on track with God. I know that I've got sins and problems I need to deal with, but I believe that I'm following God and I believe I am in His will in every major part of my life, if not the smaller parts as well. I know I can, and will, grow more mature spiritually later in my life, but I believe that I'm striving to walk towards being like Christ...

I have seen God's hand in so many areas of my life lately, and I know that I've done everything I need to to follow Him with my life lately. I feel very confident in my decision to go to My college. I know that God wants me at Taproot. I know He's letting me go down South this fall... But there's this issue in my life, and I just don't know what God wants me to do, and it's driving me crazy.

I don't know why I can't give it back to God. I don't know why I can't let go and get past this. I can NOT see any piece of the path ahead of me with this. Nothing... Ok, perhaps that's not true. I know God isn't allowing me out of the situation. I know that He wants me to stay focused on Him...

I guess the song I posted earlier really does show my heart... I've built up castles, some of which aren't even real, and I don't want to admit they're really sand... The line that I feel wraps up what my heart's cry is in a nutshell is 'I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams'... I need to surrender them, and yet I can't seem to right now...

And I thought I'd already figured this one out..."

...

Well, some parts aren't applicable anymore. I have grown and I'm not struggling quite as much. Not as much at all. But it is quite interesting to reread this and think, 'wow, look at that. I guess I've been dealing with things for a while now'.
The main line that really fits today, was that last part...
I thought I'd already figured this one out...

2004-01-31T08:51:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: "Why does everyone say rabbits are cute? I mean...how many of them have actually seen one upclose. They got the little crums of whatever it is they sit on all over there face. Bah, media always lies. ... And don't walk on bears." - Monica

Apparently from Geof to Carla to david to me... I don't know where it started...

At least it's already in order :grin:

Bold = been to
Italics = lived in
Underlined, Bold AND Italic = MOVING TO IN 7 MONTHS!!!!

1) Alabama, 2) Alaska, 3) Arizona, 4) Arkansas, 5) California, 6) Colorado, 7) Connecticut, 8) Delaware, 9) Florida, 10) Georgia, 11) Hawaii, 12) Idaho, 13) Illinois, 14) Indiana, 15) Iowa, 16) Kansas, 17) Kentucky, 18) Louisiana, 19) Maine, 20) Maryland, 21) Massachusetts, 22) Michigan, 23) Minnesota, 24) Mississippi, 25) Missouri, 26) Montana, 27) Nebraska, 28) Nevada, 29) New Hampshire, 30) New Jersey, 31) New Mexico, 32) New York, 33) North Carolina, 34) North Dakota, 35) Ohio, 36) Oklahoma, 37) Oregon, 38) Pennsylvania, 39) Rhode Island, 40) South Carolina, 41) South Dakota, 42) Tennessee, 43) Texas, 44) Utah, 45) Vermont, 46) Virginia, 47) Washington, 48) West Virginia, 49) Wisconsin, 50) Wyoming, and 51) Washington, DC

2004-01-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

May I live to be 100 and never wear eye makeup again...

I've got a sty and it HURTS!

The medical places I got information from said it's created by a folicle or gland becoming clogged, either by skin oils or eye makeup. Then it reacts like a pimple, although it's much more painful mainly from the fact that it becomes large and pushes into your eyeball.

I finally lanced it (why go to a doctor for something you can do yourself?) and it drained, relieving the pressure ten times over. This morning I woke up and couldn't open my eye, which was a slightly interesting feeling, because some type of goopy gunk had dried like glue along the edge of my eyelids.

This morning my eye is still red and still sore, quite like a bruise, and I'm sure still full of infection, but it is looking and feeling better compared to where it was. The only thing I have to really avoid is talking to customers. :grin:

2004-01-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

Love Languages-Part Two

The one thing a person must remember while finding out what their love language is, is that everyone will respond to every love language at one time or another. It's not that your language is the only one you respond to, because otherwise you would have all five. Everyone responds to praise, attention, service, gifts and touch, but not on the same levels. Your prominent love language is the one that when taken from your life causes a feeling of being unloved. For example, if your prominent language is touch and yet no one touches you, you could receive gift after gift (if someone was using the love language of receiving gifts to show they loved you) and it would never make you feel loved (unless of course we get into secondary languages, but let's leave that alone for right now).

So think through what truly makes you feel loved. And what do you do for other people to show them you love them? That can be a big indicator as well. Our brains and emotions automatically think in our own language, so it seems logical that others would respond to the same language. This is not the case, but it is the way we work.

Because we all respond to all the languages there can easily be secondary languages. Most people respond intensely to two love languages, and only slightly to the other three. The remaining three can be put on a list in order of importance to yourself. For me, I think the easiest language to figure out was my lowest one, receiving gifts. Of course I love to receive gifts, but whether I do or not does not effect whether I feel loved. If someone was to ignore me and/or not spend time with me, and yet shower gifts on me every day, I would feel unloved. Yet, if I was given attention and specific time between me and someone else, no matter if they ever gave me a gift or not, I would feel very loved.

Some people are also bilingual. The prominent two languages of their lives are both so strong, that it is too hard to decide which is dominant. This is fine too, as everyone is created so differently, but it does take a moment to think through. Some people think they are biligual, when they are really just confusing the languages. For example, Dan's* dominant love language is words of affirmation, and yet he is forever doing acts of service. He thinks his language is acts of service, and that is the first thing others around him think as well. But when really asked, he feels obligated to do the service, and we find out that he is doing the service so that he will be given words of affirmation. If he does service without appreciation, he does not feel loved. So, upon a closer look, Dan is working off affirmation, not service.
(*Dan is a real person who I know, although his name has been changed)

So there are some more thoughts on love languages. I'm really enjoying this, and I hope other people are getting stuff out of my posts.

Although this information is based from my reading of The Five Love Languages everything written here are my own thoughts and words.

2004-01-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:As I was driving home tonight, I thought of a GREAT Random Thought for the Day... And now I've forgotten it. That is quite annoying... :P

Love Languages...

Recently I decided to borrow the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman from the library. I started reading it and was suddenly very clearly aware of everything Mr. Chapman was talking about. I've seen it all before but now I have a reason and a name for what I've seen. And I'm absolutely facinated with everything within that book. It is a wonderful book and one I would reccomend to anyone, not only married couples or people within romantic relationships.

The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. Once I think through this list, I realize that I have seen each of these "languages" in people I know and in myself. Just like personality traits, there is a dominant 'language'. Sometimes there are two dominant languages, but mostly there is a lower secondary and then three fairly low languages. Granted, we all respond to all of the love languages during our daily lives, but there are some languages that show us we are loved more than others. Or even that we use to show others we love them more than others.

I will take myself as an example. I have always known I responded to physical touch. Even before reading the book I was aware of the fact that I feel loved when touched. It is hard for me to realize that some people wouldn't consider touching as a basic element for people. I don't think of myself as a really feely-touchy person, but I am more than not. I'll touch people on their shoulder or arm when talking to them, I offer hugs to people I don't know well. I even use this language in a negative way by being more physical in my anger.
Especially after reading the book, I have realized that physical touch is one of the top two love languages of mine. My family is not hugely touchy-feely. We don't do a lot of hugging or kissing, except with the kids and between mom and dad. The younger kids are more touchy than us older kids. It's just the way it is. But I know that when my now 8 year old brother was between the ages of 2-4 I made him snuggle with me. If we were watching a movie, he was beside me, holding my hand and letting me run my fingers through his hair. I required him to hug me daily and made a game of kissing him on the cheek and saying it was "permanent" so he couldn't wipe it off. My persistence paid off and now he will give me hugs and sit with me, even if he thinks it too "weird". He's ok with the fact of being close like that. And that helps me with my love language.

The other thing that made me realize physical touch was one of my top languages is that since I can remember I've had the desire to, once I'm in a relationship in which I would be able to do so (ie fiance or husband), be able to go up behind him while he's doing something or talking to someone and just put my arms around his waist or shoulders and just sit there. He wouldn't stop doing what he was doing, and I could just be there. To me, then and now, that is one of the most obvious signs of love and is a very intimate thing in my mind. Go figure, huh? It is physical touch, so there you go!

My other main love language is quality time. This wasn't as obvious to me until after I read the book and thought through the way I react day to day. I'm forever getting upset with mom when I'm talking with her on the phone on my way home from work and she gets distracted by the kids or someone online. I love just sitting with one or two people and talking for hours. I love spending time with people just doing things with them, with our attention on eachother. This also is reflected on how I act to people on instant messanger, or even on the phone. If some of you who I IM have noticed, I often ask "So, what are you doing, or who are you talking to right now?". It dawned on me today that the reason I ask this is I want to know how much of your attention is truly on me. Not that I mind that people's attention is on other things, but I feel a need to know how much your attention is split up. If it's a case where I really want someone's care and attention, I will get upset (though not say anything) and perhaps jealous when I find people I'm talking to are "distracted" by other people or things, even if I'm truly the distraction.
This also applies to when I'm on the phone with someone and I hear them totally distracted by something else, or I can hear them typing on their computer. After thinking about it, I know that I cut conversations short when I feel that someone's distracted.

It's all so interesting and facinating to me. Reading this has also made me realize how much psychology and counseling really appeals to me. Counseling is going to be a hard career to pursue, but it is really where my heart is. How exciting to be able to learn about these types of things and hopefully help others through hardships. I'll have to work on a lot of things before I can seriously get into counseling, I know. Not taking other's griefs onto myself, not feelings horribly depressed if I can't help someone... Lots of things... But this is really where I need to be...

2004-01-25T17:34:00.000-08:00

And she posts....Again

God's peace. I've heard about it for a long time. People say that you know where you're supposed to go because of God's peace or the lack thereof. I've been confident of decisions I've made before, and known that they were in God's will, etc. But I have never been aware of a direct unpeace and problem when I was out of God's will as opposed to a peace and security while I was within His will. I emphasize 'aware', because I have been experiencing it for a long time without realizing what it was. I have felt hurt, uncertain, angry at myself, angry at God, angry at others and failing to feel any security for a long while. A few months ago, through some changes in circumstances and my outlook on my life, I was ok. I wasn't completely at peace or secure, but I was ok.

And now that last piece has fallen into place and I feel a security I haven't felt in a long time. Well, I haven't felt it since I was on campus at Ouachita. That's when I felt this much peace and security. That's because Ouachita was right. Completely within God's will and completely where I needed to be.

And so now that I can look back on the struggle, hindsight 20/20 :rolls eyes:, I can see what God's been telling me, or rather preparing me to hear...

2004-01-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: If you look at really good photographer's work, you'll notice that the models stand in an S pose... This really truly does make the photo more appealing!!! (yes, david, REALLY TRULY!)... Feels really stupid as the model, but oh well.

And now for a post that actually makes sense...

Yes, the past few posts have been more directed to God than others. Ah well. I thought I'd just say that today has been a great day. A very great day.

Mom and I went out to do a photoshoot of me. We'll see how it turns out. Mom's pretty good with a camera, if she's not laughing hysterically at me... Which is hard. :grin: I felt like I should have a photo for an "About the Artist" page on my website...

Oh by the way, I have renamed my photography company. Wide Eyed Wonder Photography is gone... Sedona Studios is in. Hopefully that will be online tonight or tomorrow. I'll post a link for whoever may wish to look through my work, or perhaps even hire me.......??? :grin:

I kinda want to talk about peace in God, but I think I want that to be a seperate post. hah...ah well. This is the weekend of a thousand posts...

2004-01-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:Why is the sky blue?....So we have something to talk about.

*celebrates*

It suddenly made sense. Why it took me so long to figure out I have no idea. Anytime I've thought through everything there always seems to be a piece missing. Like one puzzle piece out of the puzzle right in the center. Because of that last piece you can't see the picture at all. Finally that last piece was found and inserted into the puzzle. And it's complete. I may have to deal with more issues just because life never ends when you finally figure it out. But the answer I've been blind to for the past year has suddenly be made real to me.

And so, I'm smiling again. Go figure. I almost feel like hitting myself over the head. God was only making it so very clear, why couldn't I see it? Well, He did not allow me to see it until now, for what reason I am not sure of yet.

Oh well, I don't really care why. The fact that I have that last piece, as simple as it is, just makes me want to jump up and down for joy. I have a peace, contentment and happiness that I haven't had in a while...

Yes, I will probably drop down again. I will probably get slightly depressed over this very issue again. And yet I know what God wants me to do with it, so I'm not terribly afraid of it. I'll get through it. I know. :smile: How nice.

2004-01-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:The last entry in my actual handwritten journal is June 25th... Yikes. That's a long time ago.

3 posts in one day, it says. And yet it feels like 3 very different days...

I wrote the first entry for today last night before I went to bed, but after midnight, thus making it the 24th. Then the second before work this morning. Now this one, still before midnight, so three in "one day". And yet it really isn't. ... Just an interesting thought.

This evening while talking to mom on the way home from work (yes, I do talk on my cell while driving) I realized why I was getting mad at myself. Things I'd struggled with this past fall had seemed to be taken care of. I had healed and worked through what I needed to, as far as I could see, and had moved on in my life. I had grown, changed and become a more mature person, all for the better. All marked as progress.
So when I find myself suddenly thrown into where I was 4 months ago I feel like I've backslidden. I've lost ground, lost progress and lost growth. And that is not a good thing to me. Not one little bit. So I become angry at myself, when it really isn't my fault or anything nessacarily wrong.
Once I was able to see this quite a bit lifted off my shoulders. God was faithful already today to raise my spirits and refocus my eyes on Him, but that realization was an immense help and encouragement from Him. It all depends on my point of view. I need that point of view to be the same point of view God has. Right now it's not, although it has changed from this morning. For the better I believe, but it also requires admitting that perhaps "backsliding" isn't truly bad.
Currently I'm not sure what God's point of view is, so finding that is my desire right now. If I knew what it was, I don't think getting to it would be such a huge issue. ... Perhaps I'm not supposed to know. That could very well be the case...
Ah well...

2004-01-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

Perhaps eating something would help, although I'm so wiped out I don't think it would. And what's the point of titles all bold and on top? I guess it's so it looks good. Or something Oh well...

I'm really mad right now and I just can't get into why. There is so much within me that just wants to burst out, and yet really, I only want to say it to one person. And yet I can't do that, mainly from lack of contact, but also from common sense and a respect for them. Joy.

I can tell you that right now I'm again struggling against anger toward God. I'm not angry at Him right now, nor am I becoming so. I just know that if I don't watch it, what I'm going through could lead to that. I've been mad at God before about this same issue, and I don't want to be again.

Isn't it logical that once God's taught you something and you've learned it and moved on that He would just move on too? So if He continues to bring up the same lessons and the same struggles, does that mean you didn't learn what you were supposed to? Or does that just mean that's just the way life falls and it's just something you go through? Is there a distinct reason for everything?

I think I believe there is, which doesn't help my mood right now. Isn't death supposed to be final? And so anyway, I'm left praying hard so that I don't end up mad at God, and quite fearful I may end up there.

*jumps up and down and whacks wall...HARD* ERG!... :sigh: And there's not a little thing I can do about it. Not one. I've given myself to God's direction too many times that I no longer have true control. I could take it back, and I do often, but in reality, especially with this issue, I don't have control. Maybe God's just overriding my control for His. Yeah, it'll end better, but I'm trying to convince myself of that. I say it alot, but believing it when I need to is harder.

heh.

2004-01-24T00:48:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:Some people like crossproccessing. Others don't. I don't think it's ever inbetween. Either you hate it or you love it. I love it in the right situations...

Faithfully...

While thinking through the song, Faithfully (by Eric and Leslie Ludy) I started realizing some things about the exact phrases within the lyrics. When I can pick apart a song's lyrics it touches me more, for some reason. My thoughts allow me to hear it in a new way again, to understand the meaning of the song and apply it to my own life. I know I've posted this song before, but it's become important in my life again.

Tonight I saw a shooting star
Made me wonder where you are
For years I have been dreaming of you
And I wonder if you're thinking of me too

It's so true. I have been dreaming of my husband for years. I have often prayed that he would be praying for me as well, but it really hit me in the past few days that he may be in the same boat. He may very easily be dreaming about me. How can I let a man down who is already dreaming about me? Of whose thoughts I will, someday if not now, be in constantly. How can I not wait faithfully for him?

In this world of cheap romance
And love that only fades after the dance

Until these past two weeks the beginning of this verse never really struck home to me. Of course I've 'known' about the "cheap romance". It was what I didn't want, and what I 'knew' a majority of the world had. But since I've been working at this new location I've been able to actually seen cheap romance. Cheating, boyfriends you've only known a week, daughters who don't know their father, mothers who never see their children because they left with another man who they've since left for another man. Now they are in love with their current relationship. Today two of my coworkers set up a 'studio' in the backroom, as the day was very slow, to take pictures for their boyfriends. Several shots were nice, cute shots, but of course they had to employ sexual overtures with the rest. And this is supposed to be love...

They say that I'm a fool to wait for something more
How can I really love someone I've never seen before

They do too. Not that directly to my face, although I'm sure they think through it. When I was talking to my manager the other day about relationships, I told her I would not enter a serious relationship unless it was headed towards thinking about marriage. She was genuinely surprised. That was nice to see her surprise, to know I wasn't following cheap romance.
And how can I love someone I've never seen before? Well, I've learned over the past year you can love someone's heart without seeing their face. Also, isn't that what we do with Jesus anyway? Or what we should do? I also have known I have fallen in love with my husband over this past year. Not really with him and who he is, as I don't know that yet, but my waiting and persisting through situations where I could give into my immediate pleasures is love as far as I'm concerned.

But I have longed for true love every day that I have lived
And I know that real love is all about learning how to give

This is so true. In the past couple days the second part of this verse suddenly made sense to me. It really is about giving. There is no way one can truly love another and be selfish. I've seen my coworkers being "out of love" and yet all it is is selfishness. I've seen a woman getting a divorce, and all I see in her and her husband is selfishness.
To love someone enough to give up something you desire for their happiness, that's hard, but so worth it. To give up what I may desire now, what I may want to do now, for my husband is a hard thing to do at times, and yet that is the first step I can make to truly loving him.

So I pray that God will bring you to me
And I pray you'll find me waiting faithfully

||Chorus||
Faithfully, I am yours
From now until forever
Faithfully I will write
Write you a love song with my life
'Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes I am yours
Faithfully

Tonight I saw two lovers kiss
Reminded me of my own loneliness
They say that I'm a fool to keep praying for you
How can I give up pleasure for a dream that won't come true

This is a lie that gets thrown into my life so very often. The dream that I have won't come true. That haunts me at times, when it seems my dreams are falling in pieces around my feet. And yet God's beautiful vision for me will be so much better than my dreams are. Perhaps His beautiful vision includes a lot of heartache, before and maybe even after the marriage. Perhaps we'll really struggle. But that is going to be the best, perfect or not...

But I will keep believing that God still has a plan
And though I cannot see you now, I know that He can
Until I find you, I'll be waiting faithfully

This verse has held me through more than a few periods of time. God still has a plan... He can see so much farther than I can imagine. How wonderful... Hard to remember and live, but so wonderful.

And so, Sweet Mister, I'm attempting as best I know how to wait faithfully for you. I hope the world will be able to see that through my stand for faithfulness.

I love you,
Morgan

2004-01-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:When your speakers don't work, it's really hard to listen to music.

For Nida's Information

This is my baby:
Photo

SFA-298 is my printer. And that's what she looks like too. She's a few years old and has a few little problems you have to be aware of before you can really get her going. Her sorter is broken, which means the entire side sorter (going diagonal on the machine) is totally useless for anything besides gathering dust. This also means that the screen beeps very loudly every time a roll is finished being printed out with the message "Sorter Error".
The sides are also more interesting, as we have pictures pasted on the right side of Bin Laden with the speech bubble saying "I love Ritz Cameras", a picture of some freaky weird guy in a hat and a photo of Mark (lab tech before me) pulling his shirt up to show his "awesome" stomach... Then, for printing ease, I have a couple notes, alligator clips and soft-towel lined boxes packing-taped around where needed.

She's a great machine. Yeah, she can't do the sizes or amount that a Frontier can do, but she's so much easier to deal with, doesn't break down even a fourth as much as a Frontier, prints images about ten times faster and is generally easier to manage. Because of the direct chemistry, the colors change slightly day to day, but you just get used to that and learn to work with it. The only other thing I have to watch is loading the 6" matte paper. If you just push it onto it's slider, like everyone has always done, it normally jams. If you set it up there, with the paper mostly pushed into the magazine and then, once it's in place, pull the paper out, it does not jam.

I love this machine. Wouldn't trade her for a Frontier anyday...

2004-01-21T02:16:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day:How is it that the people you think are leaving your life never end up leaving, and the people you want to stay in your life never do when you want them too? And yet through all that, it's all perfect, because God's truly in control.

Ok ok ok david...here ya go!

It is very interesting to me how some things I do off a whim end up changing my entire life. Sometimes I'll make decisions and just wonder how they will effect me down the road.
The first time I ever realized this was when I had just turned 13. That spring my first really good friend dropped our friendship. I was left without friends and with a broken heart. I felt the miscommunication that had occured was my fault and I beat myself up about it for a long time. I spent my 13th Christmas in tears.
It hit me suddenly one day how that friendship had started. I had been seeing this girl at our library quite often with her family. She also wore dresses all the time (which I did at the time) and seemed very nice. One day she helped me carry my books out and we talked. I didn't have any friends my age and so the next time I saw her in the library I thought I should give her my address so we could write back and forth. I remember vividly standing in front of the front bookshelf, pen in hand, wondering if my dad would be upset that I was giving out our address. That was my only worry. And yet that one decision was the beginning, in a way, of a wonderful friendship and yet a lot of heartache and pain.

I made some decisions this evening which may end up effecting me long term. In fact, they have already made a different effect on me than I was expecting them to. Right now I'm sitting here, wondering how long term the effects will be. Wondering if I want to prevent or help along certain events that could be caused by this on-a-whim thoughts of mine. Wondering why I had thought of doing things before, and yet never had until now. What in the world is God doing with me?

I almost feel like I'm at the same point I was at last year about this time. Almost. Maybe a bit less than a year ago. But anyway. The learning about trust, friendship and God's true love. Learning about God's faithfulness and my own faithfulness. Learning about my emotions and my spiritual immaturity and needed growth.
Learning all of the same things, yet on a more mature level. A higher step up from where I was last year. I've grown and one can tell. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I don't think many are really. And yet here are the same problems looking me in the face. I just hope I am able to pass and grow past these onto the next step for next year.

I have been attempting to write my testimony for quite some time now. To me, a testimony is more than just how you were saved. It is a depiction of who you are in Christ throughout your life. What God has been teaching you, who He's used and how you've grown. But it doesn't ever stop long enough for me to write any of it. Once I feel a chapter in my life is finally completed, I realize there are still pages to that chapter, and perhaps the content of that chapter is now becoming part of the larger book and will be in my life a bit longer than I expected. How do I write something that isn't finished yet... :sigh: (Sorry Monica... I am trying though)

There are some things in life you just think about. Someday this will happen. Someday I'll grow up. Someday I'm going to drive a car. Someday I'm going to graduate highschool. Someday I'm going to go to college. Someday I'm going to meet someone I want to be with forever. Someday I'm going to be married. Someday I'm going to have kids. And ultimately, someday I'm going to die. We all think through these I think.
Isn't it strange when you finally pass one though? Something you've been looking forward to for so long, or just thinking perhaps would come and then there it is and it's past. You've heard about it forever. You've seen others go through it. And now you're there. Now it's past.
The memory is solid in your mind. However you lived that moment is how you'll remember it forever. That is now reality no matter what you dreamed up beforehand. You have grown up past that.
I've been having quite a few of those lately. Maybe more so quite a few that haven't happened yet, but I know are so close on the horizon that it's semi exciting semi nervous. Will I be ready? Am I ready? What else should I prepare? What else can I do?

Photofinishing office politics are horrible, btw. Just so you know.

2004-01-15T23:44:00.000-08:00

Random Thought for the Day: On the way home from Bellingham today, which would be a 2 1/2 hour drive, I saw 11 cars along the side of the road, not including police cars.

Talk about Deja Vu

Date: Tuesday, January 13th
Time: After 1pm approximately
Where: Photo Lab
Who: Myself and Lindsey
What: I was going through the one-hour orders just like normal when I came to the sales ticket that called for 'Glossy No Borders'. After switching the paper, and looking closer at the ticket, I found that the roll I was about to print belonged to the local Fire Department. No big deal, right? Well, as I'm going through the first few shots I barely notice the imgaes of ashes and blacked walls. I've seen Fire Department rolls before. What stopped me was frame 7 or 8. The frame that showed a grown woman sprawled on her back, clothes completely burned away to reveal charred skin. Her skin had no hint of peachy tan. Instead skin burned black and open patches of red covered her body.
I skipped quickly past the two images of the woman after a second glance. The rest of the roll of film seemed to tell a story. First, before the woman, there had been images of the hallway. Then the woman and the area around her. The next image was of a broken and burned wheelchair, fallen in upon itself. After a few different angles of the chair the pictures looked over to the side to see a fire extinguisher on the floor. The last image was a close up of the head of the extinguisher, showing that the arrow was almost on empty. Someone had tried to get the fire out, but failed.

That was one of the most realistic and chilling moments of my life. Looking at this woman's death, through the eyes of a fireman, brought me out of the tv world and into the real one. Dramatic deaths do happen. And I'd seen one.

...

Date: Wednesday, January 14th
Time: Around noon
Where: Same Photo Lab mentioned above
Who: Jennifer, Tara and myself
What: Jennifer is my store manager. Just before noon a customer was kind enough to bring in our paper off the sidewalk in front of our store. After throwing the advertisments away, Jennifer took the rest of the paper to the backroom to go through. Tara and I stayed in the front of the store to help customers. About twenty minutes later, after the store was clear of customers, Tara and I suddenly heard laughing from the back of the store. Jennifer came out of the backroom holding the paper. "This is one of the best headlines I've ever seen" she said. She took some scissors and began cutting out a small article from one of the inside pages. We asked what it was and she stopped cutting to let us read it. "Woman Dies in Wheelchair Fire". It flashed at me in black and white, jumping out from the page. "Oh my word!" I gasped. They looked over at me. "I saw that!... I printed those pictures yesterday!" Jennifer went over to the bin, but found the Fire Department had already picked up their photos. Oh well, she said, and began laughing over the article again. Apparently the thought of the family coming in (and I quote the article as best as I can) "to find their mother in flames on her wheelchair" caught both Jennifer's and Tara's funnybone. I read the entire article. According to it the woman had been smoking a cigarette and fell asleep, I think. When her family got inside she was in flames. The only part I found slightly amusing was that they took her out of the chair and pushed it onto the deck, which then also caught on fire. But I couldn't stop reading the headline and the first few words.

I had seen that. Before the rest of the world knew. Even after they knew, I had an image in my head that only her family and the firemen had. I saw the pain and death and charred skin and used extinguisher. I saw the crushed wheelchair and sprawled body and blackened walls. All of this while reading the article. I knew what it looked like.

That is a strange feeling. I know there are many times that even I read the paper and think "huh, interesting. Look a lady died in her wheelchair" and move on with my life. But this hit me. It was a very strange feeling, one that I don't think I'll ever forget. The article was real. I knew it. I couldn't laugh.

...just strange.

2004-01-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

Updating...and attempting to do so daily

A friend of mine asked me to update more often, so here you go.

Yesterday at work my manager made a comment that got me thinking. She was talking about her mother, who's a protestant. Her mom was talking about some 'cult', and tearing it down, and my manager turned to her and said "well, you belong to a cult". Her mother wouldn't speak to her for a week. My manager's reasoning, to me, was "Hey, they get together, in a room, and eat and drink the blood and body of Jesus". I said, "Well, that would be Roman Catholics" Her: "No, protestants do communion too" (I'm like, yeah, I know!) Me: "Well, they don't say it's actually his body" Her (moving on): anyway, yeah. It's all a big cult."

That pounded me for a bit. My spiritual life hasn't been that strong lately, and the little nagging voice asking me if she was really right, kept at me. After thinking, and talking to God about it, I remembered what I'd found out when I'd looked up cults online before. I am going to relook them up, and compare them with my relationship with Jesus. But from what I remember, I do not belong to a cult. In fact, I know I'm not. I knew it the whole time. But it's just came up and made me think, and made me have to prove it to myself. Find the truth again...
It shows that people use phrases about things they don't understand. Oh well.

I'll be getting into this more later, hopefully.

So, there's my update :)

2004-01-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

It's time for another Brag on The Boys

I'm so stinken proud of my brothers. Jesse and Cory are truly amazing young men. I continue to receive compliments and comments about them from others. It's so wonderful to be able to smile and nod and know that it's all true.

Jesse is 15 until April. As I've said before, he's been writing his own music for about a year now. Not just little diddys on the piano. Full symphony work with his keyboard (Roland 5000QRJT@DCG%$ ...or whatever it is...Roland something) and his computer. And it's good. ... He can also hear any song or movie soundtrack, and within a day or two has the entire thing figured out, in detail, on the piano. He was talking the other day about colleges with me. Right now he's looking at my 4 year school, but he's not sure if that's what he wants yet. He said that he really would love an education in music like he could get at Juliard, but he wouldn't get in.... I think he could, especially if he worked hard before going to audition... I've had musicians say he could get that good. Plus his search for information and knowledge is astounding for his age. He's borrowing books from elders at our church that they say are seminary books, and he's reading and understanding them. He reads through books that historians are using as reference material. Add this to his knowledge of the bible from quizzing. It's amazing.

Cory is 14. Fourteen and yet on the maturity level of some 19-22 year olds I've met. He's amazing on the computer, as I've said before. Now he has, not only his own website, but a full swingin' message forum of his own. He's making movies, and presently is actually saving for a full filmaking setup. His computer animations are amazing, and I've had 20-year-olds tell me that Cory is in ways better than they are, and he's been at it a shorter amount of time. Not only this, but it's awesome to watch him with others. He attracts everyone, and is known by everyone. Kids follow him around, literally. And he's so great with all ages. He can hang out with 5 year olds and make them feel old and cool, and then he can have a in depth discussion with an adult. His memory is also amazing with quizzing, which brings the Word into his mind.

So, there you go. My brothers. And this isn't even all of them! Tyler still has to grow up and amaze us! :)

2004-01-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

My Computer's Stats...

First off, it's a Dell.

Demension 2400 Series: Pentium 4 processor at 2.40GHz with 533MHz from side bus
Operating System: Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition
Memory: 256MB shared DDR SDRAM at 333MHz
Hard Drive: 40GB ATA/100 Value hard drive
Floppy and Additional Storage devices: 3.5 in floppy drive
CD or DVD drive: Dual drive: 48x CDROM drive plus FREE upgrade 4x DVD+RW drive
Keyboard: Dell Quietkey Keyboard
Mouse: Dell 2 button scroll mouse
Bundled software: Productivity pack including work fercet and money
Security Software: dell security center by McAfee w/ Virus Scan, Firewall and Privacy
Monitor: 17" E773c Monitor intergrated Intel
Video Card: #D extreme graphics
Sound Card: Integrated Audio
Dell Media Experience: Dell Media Experience
Speakers: Stero Speakers
Multi Media Players: RealOne Player
Digital Music: Dell Jukebox
Digital Photography: Dell Picture studio, paint shop pro trial, photo album start edition
Modem: 56L PCI data
Network Interface: integrated 10/100 Ethernet
PLUS 1 year limited warranty

$638.00 with a $100 mail in rebate
Does this sound ok, or does anyone have any major red flags going up? :grin: Let me know

2004-01-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

does this always need a title?

I was writing up (or rather attempting to write up) some End of the Year post thing. I just deleted it. So you, my beautiful audience, are left without knowing what I did last year. Ah well...

This blog is always so serious, to me. I don't throw random facts out, like I do in real life or even on forums. And, as much as I love brown, it's very sedate.... I think some redecorating is in order.

As a side note, customers are evil. There are times I truly hate them. Yeah yeah, I know they are the only reason we're there, but can't they realize we're human and are working with machines (both aspects making a very fallible situation)? Just because we're behind the counter doesn't mean we're God, THANK YOU!.......ok, I'm done.

This is a fairly random post, so I think I'll throw in the fact that I got my paycheck yesterday. That is wonderful in and of itself. I also found the computer I'm going to buy. It's a Dell, and I'll get specs posted sometime for you computer people.

I also decided what I'm doing for my 18th birthday. On my actual birthday I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes, just because. Maybe I'll cut them up or something. Then, come April, I'm planning on going down to the horse racetrack for a full day. I'm even going to place a bet or two, mainly just because I can. I've been wanting to watch the horse races for a while now, and doing it for my 18th seems like a fun idea. I won't be doing anything else, partywise, so taking some really good friends and family will be just right.

Today is my first day in my lab as MY lab. All week I've been able to rearrange everything and do what I want, but the other guy left last night, so it's all me. I'm excited and I love my machine, which helps things amazingly.
Yesterday they transferred me to my first location, for the day, and I realized how much I enjoy my new location better. The people group, perhaps, could be switched but the machines are faster and easier to work with and the pace is quite a bit slower...

I'm also supposed to be coming up with 3 resolutions. A friend and I were doing that together, but neither of us have, so maybe we're doing it together by not doing it... Or something and stuff.

Maybe this falls under a resolution, but yesterday, on a whim, I just decided I was done eating sugar and junky food. No more coke (as in pop/soda), candy, icecream, chips, Cinnabons (oh sad...they're right in the mall too!)...etc etc. I think I've actually been addicted to sugar, because of the withdrawl symptoms I'm going through. Hm. I have to eat good food SO much now. I never eat, and now I'm eating all the time. Wow... It's kinda interesting.

Well, I'm off to work again. Gotta get those hours in :)

2004-01-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

...how interesting...

If I was doing what I had planned, I would be starting Winter Quarter tomorrow morning. Instead, I'm doing what God apparently has planned, and I'm starting a new manager position tomorrow. How interesting... God's story and my story were so different, for the present chapter at least, and yet His has proven again to be more wonderful and amazing. (surprise surprise!)

Two months from yesterday I shall be 18. That's also another strange thought for me. I don't feel old, or too young, or anything like that. I don't feel like a ton will change right on that day. But just the thought of adulthood, of this icon age, is provoking. I'll talk about it more later... Now I'm off for church...

2004-01-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

IT'S SNOWING!

Or rather, it was. Now it has melted, refrozen and now we are living in a huge iceland. Looks pretty and white, but be careful when you walk outside cause it wouldn't take much for you to slip and land on your kiester...

Update on work...
When I went into work on Tuesday my district manager and my manager sat me down in the backroom. I thought perhaps I was in trouble, which wasn't a fun moment let me tell you. My DM told me that he's been very very impressed with me the past couple weeks and he really feels that I'm not reaching my full potential with what I'm doing. He then proceeded to offer me my own lab at another location. It would be about 25 more minutes away and a smaller store, but the lab would be mine. Although I wouldn't have the title manager for a while, I'd be a lab manager (or what we call Key Tech), and have all authority over the running and procedures of my lab. This would also include an immediate pay raise as well as a lot of opportunity to get raises the faster I moved up. He said this wasn't what he thought my potential was, either, but it was a great stepping stone. They let me drive out on company time and see the store and meet the store manager that morning. I told them I'd think about it that night and tell them the next day.
After considering everything about it I decided to take the job. They understand that I'm leaving, at the latest, mid July so I can get ready to go to school, but they're ok with that.

So, I move to the new location on Monday. It's really weird, though, because I'd only been with the company 2 weeks when I was offered this. I move locations on my third week anniversary. Technically I'm not allowed to get employee discounts yet, and here I am moving to a lab manager position. Wow... I'm excited.

The other thing, too, is most of them didn't know I was only 17, so there are a few matinence things I can't do for a couple months... Oh well, I don't care.

I love doing what I'm doing, though. A lot. I printed some of my own work the other night, and enlarged it to 8x10. It's an awesome feeling to photograph photograph, and then print it yourself. Very awesome... And I didn't even create the subject... God must have fun :)

2003-12-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

One stop Magenta, one stop Yellow and an extra Density...

That is an almost surefire recipe for a good photo from negative. This will bring out the color in almost any photo, requiring a minus Blue only occasionally. The only time I cannot use this is in snow pictures or pictures with clearly white subjects, such as weddings. If I do then, the whites end up with a slightly red/pink undertone...

I love my job. There's enough variety, enough artistic ability needed and enough contact with people to keep me totally content. I have moved into a completely able printer status, and I can take care of all of your photofinishing needs, except Christmas cards and 16X20's.

The only issue that has come up is that of hours, and I will be confirming with my manager how the hours will be working out. I was hired as parttime, moved to fulltime within 4 days, and told I would be fulltime. Now that the holidays are over the lab has died and, as far as I'm told, it will remain dead until late February. This means cut hours and that means me first, being low man on the totem pole and all of that. I understand that, but I had anticipated 40 hours a week. I need 40 hours a week. I didn't get another part time, because I thought I was covered here. I also dropped all classes this quarter because of that. If they had merely mentioned that full time was a seasonal deal, then I'd be fine, but I thought one thing and it's looking like something else. I'll talk to my manager today, though, and get it all cleared up...

And for a bit about what I actually do...
What happens to your film before you get it back as prints:
You come up to the counter and give the associate your rolls of film. They inquire if you are a Club Card Member (if so you get certain discounts...well worth it, I'm serious), and if you're not if you'd like to be. Once that is covered you will be asked if you want singles or doubles (doubles are free with the card...a good $6 in value. The $17.40 after tax card pays for itself within 4 rolls).
Then they'll ask you if you'd like your photos on a CD or uploaded onto the internet (yes we do that too). Then do you want them in a hour (the associate will most likely check the lab that it's still at an hour), give you your pick up ticket and you're on your way. For another hour you browse the mall.
Your film is then given to the lab... That's where I come in. I take the film cartridge and, using this little hand powered machine that I can't really describe very well, I insert a strip of high sticky/thick black tape into the cartridge and pull out the negative slightly. The end gets cut and numbered the same as the ticket that goes with it. Then it's taped to a plastic leader card, on both sides, and pushed into one side of the processor machine. It goes through eight tanks of chemistry before coming out the other side 10 or so minutes later, the long strips of negatives hanging from the leader card.
Once through I cut the strips from the cards and match the numbers to the tickets and hang it for the printer.

Idealy a printer should sit at the printing screen continuously. This is, of course, in a perfect world and more often than not the printer ends up running the whole lab, thus having to get up to process and package. Anyway, so saying we're on a day I'm running the entire lab, I then sit down and insert the film into the scanner.
When I'm sitting in the printer's chair, I have four computers to work with. Two are right in front of me, one above the other. The lower one is my direct printing screen, where the negative scans come in and I change color and density. The one above it is for digital processing; customers can upload and adjust their own digital pictures out in the showroom and then send them to this computer. Once there I have to click 'Process Order', and make sure it prints. This is also the screen I burn CDs off of and the like.

To my left is a computer that I have no clue what it does. We've never used it since I was there, but it's always on. Hrm. This is also where the CD player is, an amazingly wonderful addition to this scene... Then, almost behind me, is the pricing computer. I enter the order numbers and price them, so when the salespeople ring them up, they have prices to work with.

We have a top of the line printer, which works off real chemistry to do the printing. The only difference, for those of you who know your darkroom operation, the light does not pass through the negative onto the paper, but is digitally scanned and then projected onto the paper. This way the negative can be in and out quicker, allowing us to work faster.

I can change density (darker/lighter basically), color, cropping, sharpness and much more on every picture. I normally don't change much beyond density and basic coloring. It is amazing how much you stop looking at the pictures and just look at the color. I can get through a 24 exposure negative in 1 minute.

The other things that have to be done, when the machine prompts, is adding water and chemistry (tablets) and changing the paper. We have two cutters on our machine, so we can be printing two paper sizes at a time. This makes it go much faster. The paper is in sizes of 4", 5", 6" and 10". The 4" is glossy and only used for index prints, Christmas cards, APS orders or special requests for glossy. It makes a 4X6 or panoramic. The 5" will make 3x5 and 5x7. 6" is our basic, which does a 4x6. 10" does 8x10, 8x12, 10x12, 10x14. Anything larger we have to send out.
To change the paper I open the machine and take the heavy duty clamp together canister out. I then go to the backroom with it and grab the tightly sealed roll of paper I need. The lights go out and the door is shut to the backroom and bathroom, where I am. In the dark I open the canister, take the empty roll out, open the new roll and insert it into the canister and then close it. I love changing paper. It's a weird thrill.

Once the photos are printed, the negatives are cut and packaged with their respective set of prints. The pickup ticket is banded to the box, and they're filed up front.
And then you come back and pick them up.

And that's what I do.

2003-12-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

To Everyone:

Especially those that commented on my last post. Thank you so much for your concern and comfort. It was so wonderful to know that others cared and knew the pain. Once again it seems to come down to focusing on God. :smile: As most things do.
And though I think a few people said it, Steve's phrasing of the fact that the memory of my friend when I had them is something I can remember was good to hear. To borrow lyrics from a song I love, I know memories can't last, but I know the One who holds tomorrow. I can remember the memories even if they're in the past.

Thank you once again for your prayers, e-hugs (thank you Hannah :), and thoughts. God bless you all...

2003-12-20T21:58:00.000-08:00

how do you cope when a friend dies?

when does it stop hurting? WHEN? when do you stop missing them? when do you figure out that they aren't coming back and life does go on? when do you stop seeing them in little things other people do? when do the tears stop coming back? apparently longer than 9 months...
can someone else ever fill their place? when does this happen? and what do you do until then?

these are things i want to know

2003-12-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

Talk about one week...yikes

So I got the job. I was hired Sunday afternoon, before I headed off to meet a friend near Seattle (that was fun :) ... and started work on Monday morning. I am a lab technician at a photofinishing/photography store. I've caught on pretty quickly to my job, and was actually moved to full time yesterday. Well, I was working full time hours, but they actually made it official. They're so overwhelmed that I ended a week on 40 1/2 hours instead of the intended 27... ANYhoo, it'll be a nice paycheck, and I'll keep on doing these hours. I love the job, for the most part. My lab manager has ADD (honestly) and soaks in other's stress, so it can be a bit hard to focus and settle in sometimes. That added to the fact that it's Christmas so everyone wants Christmas photocards, enlargements for presents and they all want it NOW! All in all I get along well, though, so it's fun.

A few notes about photofinishing. Number one: Never ever ever think your pictures are private. At the very least two other people will be seeing your photos during processing and printing, if not three to five, sometimes more. If you have weird, obscene or shocking pictures, they WILL be viewed...ahem. Yes, there have been a few interesting shots that I have seen.
But there have been so many beautiful pictures as well. We have many professional photographers develop here and there are families, weddings and scenery that's just beautiful. We also have a lot of military come in so I get to see shots of Afghanistan and Iraq from the eyes of the soldiers. Now THAT is awesome.

Number two: Yes, we can do your prints in an hour. It's possible. But if 50 people want their prints done in an hour, it WON'T HAPPEN. Also, processors and printers are machines and they CAN BREAK. It's possible. And we can't print your shots if our printer's broke. AND you are NOT the only customer we have. Your film is NOT the only film we're doing. Your problem is NOT the only problem we are juggling right now. We would like you to get what you want when you want it, but sometimes it WON'T happen. And mall parking lots aren't THAT bad. If you don't want to drive to get the prints later, then go to Gig Harbor to process there.

ok... i just had to get that out. Thank you. Don't forget that. I'm so serious. People just have no clue that it takes time to print, and that we are trying our best. I've had my share of dealing with customers. I'm totally fine with it, and have learned through stage managing how to appear cool and calm no matter what the other person is doing. It's just like PEOPLE!! GROW UP!... ahem

Right now I'm not printing, although I will learn that soon. I'm taking in film, labeling it, developing the film and organizing it for the printer. Then after printing I package and file everything. If I have spare time I sell the prints, and small merchandise, as well as organizing the files and calling clients about their orders that are in.

In other news I decided to take another test and I was able to test out of the this next quarter's math class and so I will be taking this next quarter off of school. I may go back in the spring or I may be out of school until I go to Ouachita next August. That's nice to have that out of my hair. I realized I haven't had more than 3 months off in the past 2 1/2 years, so this is a awesome thought.

I'll most likely have more thoughts later. I'm glad I got the job, but it is taking me away from the kids and family, and from keeping up with friends, online and in real life. As soon as I'm done working in Seattle (next weekend) I'll have 2 days off a week from photofinishing to be with the kids. And please don't be offended if I haven't returned your calls or emails. It's been a busy week. thanks

2003-12-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

One Week...

It really is amazing what all can happen within one week. And even more amazing is how normal it can all seem.
Last Monday, for various reasons, I suddenly felt the need to have a job. It's been a little over a month since I stopped working except for occasional things for mom. Presently I am working at Taproot Theatre, but that is too far for me to make into a regular commitment, no matter how many times and how hard they beg me to stay on. Because of this sudden need, Monday felt semi-flustered and a bit confused. After much persuasion from my dad, I opted out of going out that afternoon, and instead did application pickups on Tuesday after my history final.
My thought was to possibly get a part time job, so that I could continue it through the holidays and into the next school quarter. I don't remember exactly when the next thought hit me, but I suddenly thought that I should just take school off for the next quarter and get two part time jobs. And if I were going to do that, why not take both Winter and Spring quarters off? I am already going to be at Ouachita for 3 years, instead of two, so 3-4 more classes at Ouachita instead of here isn't going to hurt too much.
So I started looking at jobs where I could do two part-times at once. I applied at a few places and grabbed applications from a few more. The coffee shop said it'd be about 2 weeks before I'd hear anything, the Bible book store needed me to commit to at least a year, Hollywood Video said they were hiring but they already had some apps and the florist shop only wanted a "designer" although he'd look at my resume.
While doing this I happened to pop into the photography store while going down the sidewalk. I'm known on a front name basis there and so I got talking to the manager there about my job search. I knew that they weren't hiring at the moment, but we talked anyhow. Then she said that the other location was in desperate need of a lab technician and that I should go apply. She figured he'd hire me on the spot because they were in such a great need, and she'd recommend me.
Wednesday I went to the other location after math finals. I gave the manager the application and he asked me to wait while he read over it. Within ten minutes I was sitting in an interview with him and his lab manager. They interviewed me for half an hour and then told me they'd be making the calls the next morning.
I didn't receive any phone calls all day Thursday.
That was fine, though, because it gave me time to think and pray about pursuing this job position. Friday afternoon rolled around and I was sure that I wanted the job. I decided that I would continue pursuing it until God shut the door. So I called the manager and asked if the position had been filled. He said that they wanted to see me for a second interview. We're scheduled for Sunday at 1:15.
God could still close the door, but I believe that would be the only thing that would cause me to not get this job. I'm still praying and I'm ok with not having the job, but I feel totally ok with all of it.
If I get the job I will most likely start working on Monday.
In exactly one week I've stopped school (except perhaps a math class or two) until next fall, I've pursued and most likely gotten a job and I've started work (if this goes through). A lot of people have commented about how sudden and huge a decision that was. I guess it was, but it just feels right and just what's supposed to happen. It didn't feel really strange or anything. And I think that's a good thing.
With the schooling, I know I'll be able to stay on track, and it will be nice to have a break before moving next fall.
God really is writing an interesting story with my life... :D I'm enjoying it

2003-12-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

I don't often post stuff like this, but I found it interesting...

I took a left-right brain quiz (thank you Theophilus)... I am 66% Auditory and 33% Visual... Left brain verses Right brain use is 35% to 65%, respectively.

This is what they said about me. I pretty much agree with all of it...I highlighted my favorite parts...
...
Morgan, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.

You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.

Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.

Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.

Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.

You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a "mystic."

With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to "listen to your inner voice" as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals. (haha)

2003-12-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

Random Thought from Yours Truly...

If I ever get back down to California I'm going to Monterey. Once in Monterey I'm going to that little seaside shop on Cannery Row. And once there I'm buying a bunch of shells and starfish at very low prices to decorate my bathroom. I love that shop.

2003-12-10T00:10:00.000-08:00

Update on Montana's Dad...

They found out that the stuff in his liver was cancer. He was allowed to go back home and will be treated, as far as I know. He was given 6-8 months to live. Please continue to pray for Montana, as she and him are really close. I don't think he's saved either. Please keep them and their family in prayer.

2003-12-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.
James 4:13-16

Something a friend of mine said on AIM tonight really made a point of my life clear. When I was mentioning that my life is taking a new twist, she made a comment (in fun) about which way was it going this time, in a way pointing out that my life seems to twist back and forth quite often. Which it does. I have learned so clearly the point of the verse above. I can not, with the way my life goes, say I will be doing anything for sure even two weeks from now. Things change so drastically so often in my life that I'm forced to hold on, trust God and keep going.

For those of you who have known me fairly well this past year, you've seen me bounce through 3 very different majors. For those of you who know me a bit better, you've seen me jump back and forth with colleges a bit. For those of you who really know me well, you've seen relationships and friendships racked back and forth in my life. Nothing is ever what I thought it'd be when looking to the future 2 months before.

For instance, at the beginning of August my life seemed to be planned out until next May. I had two jobs, both of which would last until May, and I was all ready to go at my community college until summer. Within 1 1/2 months I'd lost both jobs, to various reasons. I still had school, but no source of steady income (however meager that was). I ended up working at Taproot Theatre again, which has been a nice job. I love that place.

Well, as of yesterday and today a new twist seems to be coming, telling me once again that I can't say what I shall be doing without the Lord's will... Unless something comes up, which it very likely could, I will be taking the rest of the year off of school until I move to Ouachita, except for a math class or two. I'm in the process of getting two part time jobs in the meantime, and if this all works out how it's looking, I should be starting work within the next two weeks, if not sooner. Quite the switcharound. Quite the decision everyone's been saying.

Maybe I should feel more "oh hold on! Wait a sec!", but I don't. I don't know if this is peace, or just me not thinking through something. Hopefully God will be clear on what He wants. A major reason for me, besides earning the money, is that I have been doing school for the past 2 1/2 years, with only 3 months total break throughout that time. I think I've pushed academics really hard, and a break from that would be nice. Maybe it's trying to get myself not so academically freaked out to go go go...

One part that's interesting to me, and really shows how much I've grown and learned in the past year, is that I was going through this same thing exactly a year ago. I was struggling with getting into college, if I could go, jobs, decisions, etc etc etc. And it really wore me out and overwhelmed me. That was really when I started learning to trust God. And now I'm able to just keep going, without any worries. That's just beautiful to me. Thank you Lord for what I've learned.

So, who knows what will really happen with my life. But it's fun, God is good and I'm enjoying it. So why should I worry? (song from Oliver and Co. comes to mind...ahem nevermind)

2003-12-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

Romans 8:28-29

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

2003-12-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

It's all so metnal...

Everyone should go to this site... Because it's amazing and it's my brother's. :D

Everyone should also sign up on his forum because it's fun and interesting and .... yeah! :D

So there you have it. He doesn't like to advertise his site, so I will for him. I think he's amazing, and everyone should know that.

2003-12-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

The best compliment I've ever received

"I knew I could count on you to be positive" Joshua Scholl

2003-12-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

A word from the Lord for me...

God's purpose in your life has been fulfilled and will be continued to be fulfilled in His time.

2003-12-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Today makes the last day of classes! I have a final on Tuesday and one on Wednesday and then I'm homefree until January! How wonderful is that? Quite wonderful, let me tell you. This has been a long, good, fun filled quarter but a break is always welcomed with open arms.

You know what I realized? In the past 2 1/2 years, I've had a total of 3 months off. That's it. Not 3 months at once. A total thereof. So breaks are nice to have once in a while.

In other news, today I held a study session for the history final. I've been telling everyone that it was today, at the normal study session time, and I was expecting 4-6 people. I was there first, as always, and sat around waiting for everyone. A little later the guy I sit next to, Ian, showed up. We waited for the others for 10+ minutes, but no one else showed up. After studying for a few minutes we were kicked out of the cafeteria cause it was closing or something and we had to move to the library.
The thing is that a few of the other students in our group have been hinting that Ian and I make a cute couple, and trying to get us together. I really felt set up.... But I must admit I didn't mind a whole lot. We studied a bit, but mostly just sat and talked. It was nice. I'm not pursuing anything on this front, for everyone's information.
I double checked with the other students afterwards and they claimed that they knew nothing about it, but they thought it was funny. I did too, as it seemed quite perfect. I just hope he doesn't think I set it up that way! haha! Anyway, it was a nice time to hang out.

In extremely other news, I've been sick for the past few days. A 2 1/2 day fever finally broke last night at around 2am, but my nose seems to be training for the 200 yard dash and is running like crazy... (sorry, couldn't resist) I have a throaty cough, which isn't fun, but I'm feeling so much better. So there you go.

2003-12-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

Ever been to an online birthday party?

I just was a part of a surprise one last night for my brother. It was quite fun, and lasted over four hours. We had a few people from all over the globe in the same chatroom. Packages had been sent to a friend of his to hide until the party, so he got to open his presents while chatting. It was a blast. Everyone had fun, he was completely surprised and it was all in all wonderful... Yeah, it wasn't on his birthday...oh well... It was still fun

The internet is an amazing thing... YAY for online birthday parties!

2003-12-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

Formal Dress Required...Rethought

In the past couple days I started thinking about what I wanted to do for my 18th birthday, which is in 3 months. Ever since I was 12 or 13 I wanted a large hullabaloo for my 18th. Something that, after thinking about it the other day, I remembered I wanted when I was younger is a full formal "coming out" ball. Formal dress required (not quite black tie, but really formal), catered desserts, live music, dancing, an illusionist, the whole kit and kaboodle. When I started thinking about it the other day, I realized right away that I wouldn't be able to afford all of that, so I started brainstorming about how I could cut costs. I'm fairly stubborn, and I was going to find a way to make this work.

While doing so I came across a few problems. The ones that came to mind first was lack of funds and finding a location. But the largest, and most important, was that a majority of my good friends don't live near here! You all live down south or over east! :smile: That was a major problem, although I figured I'd go for it anyway.

Then last night I was driving home from discipleship-group I started talking with God. It was nice, and for lately, odd the closeness I felt with Him. On a side note, I realized that I have not had very much time in Him lately. But anyway, I'm talking to Him; talking about my sin, about myself, about others in my life. And then I suddenly just knew I wanted to go on a mission trip this next summer.

I've never really had a desire to go on a mission trip. I've figured I would, and I've often had a desire to go certain places. But never a "I want to go and I'm going to work this out" type of thing. And this sorta throws my 18th birthday bang out the window. Ah well... I don't really care at the moment. I'll turn 18 anyway, nothing can change that. Whoopdedoo...

Since my church's youth group goes to Mexico every year, I brought that to mind first, but quickly shut that down. I have no desire whatsoever to go to Mexico. The very next thought, the first real desire I had to go somewhere, was that my heart really is to go help Teen Challenge in New York. Ever since my mom read The Cross and the Switchblade to us kids when I was little, I've wanted to help there. That desire is a major shaper in where I feel my ministry is and will be.

There is no way on earth, aside from God completely doing His thing, that my dad would let me go to New York to work with the druggies and prostitutes at Teen Challenge next summer. In fact, I almost laugh at the idea. So, unless God goes "Morgan, that's where you are", I'm going to have to find somewhere else. I have yet to present this to dad anyway, and find out if I'll be able to go anywhere, but I'm going to start praying about it.

This is an interesting thought, and I wonder what God will do with it. I'm excited and ready to find out though. So prayer would be appreciated for me... Yeah... Thanks

2003-11-30T09:58:00.000-08:00

Montana

Please pray for Montana. She's an actress in the play I'm ASMing, and within the last week she's had to admit her father into the hospital for stomach pains. It turned out that he has something on his liver, which is most likely cancer. They find out this morning. She's really been struggling, and keeps putting her best face forward for the show, but she's really hurting. Please lift her up in prayer. Thanks!

2003-11-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

I've got a really bad habit...

I turn off my car, leaving the keys in the ignition or on the seat beside me, reach over to get something or move something or something...and then jump out of the car, responsibly lock it, and then realize that my keys are still in the car...

And so I went through this experience this evening. It's happened several times before, but I've always been at school or near home, so my mom could drive under 25 minutes and open the door for me. Well, I'm in Seattle working at Taproot again. Over 1 hour from home, so needless to say my dad wasn't looking forward to coming to get me. And it turns out my car is the non-coathanger-unlocking kind of car, so it's either locksmith or dad.......

This is still not that big of a deal, as I can still get into the theatre. So I begin calling locksmiths and find one that will come out to the car for $45... Not too bad as far as I'm concerned. The only problem now is I don't have any cash with me, because I just deposited all loose cash yesterday into my bank account.

So I'm still thinking I can work it out. I ask Jenny, Taproot's Nightingale Janitor, but she doesn't have that much cash with her. Still unworried I go up to the box office and ask the beautiful Lorrie if I can write Taproot a check and get some money. She says that she can't do that just because the computer wouldn't file it right. But she happens to have some cash with her, so I write her a check, and call the locksmith to have him come out. He says he'll be there in 10-15 minutes...

And I wait....and wait....and wait...in the cold....and wait...and wait...in the even colder cold....and wait...and wait...and my fingers are numb now...and wait...and wait... and did I mention it was cold?.... and wait...and I don't have a coat....and wait...

And finally this wonderful man and his wife show up, and within a minute have my car open, my keys out and me on my merry way. Yes yes yes. Thank the Lord for locksmiths.

Dad says I need a spare key... I agree.

2003-11-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

I'm moving in a full pregnancy term!

Ahem... No, I'm not pregnant. I promise. (but Theo's wife is! YAY for them! I just found out! YAY!) But I am moving in approximately 9 months. Can you believe it? I can't really and truly. I'm very excited and I know that it won't hit me that I'm really gone til I've been there a month. Then I'll cry. But until then I'm so so so excited.

People keep asking me if I'm expecting Christmas or finals, and I'm so not worried about anything near future. All my mind is on is moving and am I ready, can I live on my own, can I get enough money, etc etc...

That's another thing. To prepare me for college, my parents have started giving me a set amount of money every month. I have to pay for everything except medical, insurance and basic food. Everything else comes out of my budget. And if I reach the end of my money before the next month, I don't get anymore, unless I work and get paychecks, etc... And so, I have reopened my checking account, and have been paying for my gas (stupid high prices) and yeah. It's nice, and not, all at the same time. But I'm doing fairly well...

So there you go. Oh yes. To all you Americans, happy Thanksgiving...2 days ago. (whatever)

2003-11-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

I think the Federal Government Should Give Me Money

Because, why not? I have no good reasons whatsoever. I just think that they should give me grants and get me through college. Wouldn't that be grand? Actually a few grand wouldn't hurt... :sigh:

Basically I'm tired of thinking about scholarships. Not that I've done a whole lot, I must admit, but I'm sick of it...

Ok, now I'm done whining, although I still think the government should pay for my college... That's a great idea. Or, some really rich person could! That would work!

2003-11-28T13:39:00.000-08:00

Are Tattoos Really Evil?

For some reason I've been thinking about tattoos for the past couple days. When I'm bored and have a ready pen, I draw little designs on my outside right ankle. For quite some time I've thought that if I ever get a tattoo, I'll put it there. The other day I drew a swirly design thing, took a digital picture of it and put it online. I've been showing others, just to get thoughts about what others thought. It's been interesting seeing how different people respond. I've gotten "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" ... "Oh nice! That's really neat!" ... "You wouldn't dare" ... and stuff like that.

I don't think tattoos are "evil" in and of themselves. I do believe that some tattoos can be evil and represent evil, but it's not that tattoos are evil. I believe Christians can have tattoos. I'm not getting into this great theological debate about why when and how. That's just where I'm at...

I don't think I'll be getting a tattoo anytime, but the way my life's been working, I wouldn't be surprised. I know I'll never get anything huge, and it'll always be on my ankle... Plus I promised my brother that I would only get a tattoo that really meant something and had significance. So, if I ever get to a point that I want a tattoo, and I find a symbol that really means something, I will put it on my outside right ankle...

That is all on tattoos for now...

2003-11-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

Talking with Rabbi John... Part 1

October 5th, 2003 - Books-a-Million - Longview, Texas
I found myself sitting on a wrought-iron chair on a outdoor, fenced patio looking across the small table at a older man in a dress shirt and tie, and sporting a rather full beard. I had hot chocolate and I believe he had coffee, although my memory could be mistaken. I was introduced to him as Rabbi John, and although I can't say there is anything "Rabbi" about him it fit him perfectly, in a way that only things on that day would fit.
He and I got talking and, to the surprise of many there, we had a rather long, wonderful conversation. We covered quite a few bases, and so I wanted to jump off the points we covered, and throw in more of my thoughts on the subjects. So here you go... Part 1 of.... I'm not sure how many.

...

Molds:
It really is amazing how this society has made molds for how people should be. These molds are carved and made just how people want them to be, and when the next person comes along they try to shove the person into that mold. The molds are so very specific, though, and are not made to stretch or bend to the person. If someone doesn't fit the little nooks and crannys in the mold, they are tossed rather than the mold being tossed.

It is easy to see this in society how people do this for others they think are below them. If someone looks questionable, they are automatically pushed away because they don't fit the mold. They are ignored, or even worse, have to receive negative attention. I know people that, upon the first look, make you want to stop and walk the other way. Even on a second and third look perhaps, for some. And yet, just because they don't fit a mold doesn't mean they should be throw out...

The part I don't think many see, though, is that it works the other way too. People also take others who look like they fit in the molds, and then they won't let them out of the molds. I will use myself as an example here. I seem fit the nice-pretty-responsible-mature-has-a-good-family-and-wonderful-dreams-that-are-coming-true-conservative-Christian-girl mold really well. Sounds great at first, right? (heh, even sounds like this is a I'm awesome bit..hehe) But it really can be hard, because people don't look past the mold. They don't assume that I could be majorly struggling with something, that I could be desperately wanting to be unmature for a moment and just sit and sob. I get locked into this, "I'm responsible, and wonderful", and that leaves no room for not being so. Because to not be so would suddenly make me not fit the mold, and people don't normally like to take others out of molds of the others seem to fit perfectly.

John and I talked about the first type of mold for awhile. We both had a friend or two in common that we could relate to that category, as well as John himself. When I brought up the second type of mold, the one I'm stuck in, he was a bit surprised. But he understood, and we talked about that too.

How does one break these molds? I'll tell you how, for John and I at least. Do what we did. Break through those artificial boundaries. He and I, people that would have avoided eachother before, I he because he didn't seem to fit any "respectable" molds of society, and he me because I seemed fit the "respectable" molds so well. And yet, we got past that (through another conversation I will talk on later), and we broke those molds. No... I take that back

John is awesome, for the record. Apparently God allowed me to see him in a way that not many do. I think it's because God broke those molds. That's what happened.

ok, so there it is. It's not about how one person can break a mold. It's about how God does it. Which He did. And God is awesome, just for the record.

2003-11-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

Walk by Faith
Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see it
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith